“Excuse me?” She shook her head and leaned back. She didn’t pull from his arms, but she wasn’t pressed close any longer. “You want me to hurt you?”
“No, but I would take any pain if it meant I could be with you.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” he insisted. “You’re incredible, Maddie, but you’re hiding behind your own pain. I’ve never seen so much pain in someone so angelic.”
“Angelic?” Her voice rose in pitch.
Braden instantly realized his mistake, but he wasn’t ready to back down. “You think you’re so dark and dangerous, Maddie, and you may be to those who hurt others, but not to me. I can see you. The real you. You are not cold and unfeeling; you are unbelievably warm and self-sacrificing. You have cloaked yourself in this thick coat of coldness so thoroughly, you think that’s who youare. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Cold and unfeeling people abuse and take advantage of other people without remorse. It takes someone whose soul shines with a fire like the sun to subject themselves to darkness in order to protect others.”
He stared at her, willing her to open up, to let him love her and help her release and let go of the pain. She’d admitted to killing and she’d described her dream where she took life, but he’d seen inside her. He’d seen that she was protecting the innocent and that’s why she had to take life. The fact that it was hurting her deep down just meant she was even more impressive. She didn’t want to kill, but she did it so she could free the oppressed.
Instead of opening her heart to him, her eyes narrowed, and he was afraid he’d pushed too hard. He tried one more time. “You’re an angel, Maddie, an avenging and light-filled angel in blood-covered, bulletproof armor.”
She yanked back and slugged him so hard in the gut he doubled over. He’d been completely unprepared. As he gasped for air, he realized that although he’d claimed he wanted to take any pain to be with her, he hadn’t expected she’d punch him to test him.
“I am not angelic,” she snapped. “I’m a blood-covered devil. My soul doesn’t shine. I am the farthest thing from light and an angel.” She whirled from him and ran for the house, slamming through the back door.
Braden straightened and rubbed at his abdomen. He couldn’t help but admire the hit, despite his deep worries about ticking her off. His girl packed a mean punch. If only he could somehow make her his girl. He doubted it.
Slowly walking inside, he looked around, but she wasn’t in the main area. He started up the stairs, waiting for Thomas to say something to him, but the man must’ve been deep in his coding. As he crossed the loft, he saw the bedroom door was open. At least she hadn’t shut him out.
He walked into the bedroom and saw her bag was open and the bathroom door was closed. He paced the bedroom, wondering what to say to her, how to get through to her. How did he explain that she wasn’t the dark things that she’d been through?
His thoughts spun to how quickly he’d fallen for this complex woman. Maddie had seen and done a lot and was filled with pain because of it. He had to help her. Was he the only one who really saw her? It should’ve been insane that he was so deeply invested in her, but it was too late to change his course. He couldn’t see any way to stop the feelings now, and he didn’t want to.
Braden had dated a lot of different girls and women throughout his teenage, young adult, and adult years. He’d found the right woman for him. He knew it. He also knew she was sacrificing everything to protect others, even her own happiness and heaven’s light in her life.
How to convince her that he was sincere in his desire to be there for her, and that heaven would always be there for her as well?
He dropped to his knees next to the bed. There was only one source that could help him now.
ChapterEleven
Maddie pulled her hair into a ponytail, washed her face, brushed her teeth, and changed out of her knit dress and into a comfortable tank top and shorts. Her hands were still shaking. She was mad at herself for hitting Braden. She wanted to blame him for driving her to it, but that was stupid and she knew it.
I can see you, the real you. You’re an angel, Maddie, an avenging and light-filled angel in blood-covered, bulletproof armor.
She stared at her face in the mirror. Did Braden really see her? Sometimes it felt like he saw her more clearly than anyone ever had and somehow was still impressed by her and wanted to be near her. At other times, it felt like despite his military and real-world experience, he was idealistically naïve about how cold and dark she truly was.
What would he do if she spilled her guts to him? She wanted to hold back out of instinct. Papa knew what she did, and she had Sutton Smith’s incredible team of retired military special ops turned into security men and women, and her mentor Jasmine Quinn who understood what she went through. Maddie didn’t share much of what she’d seen and done with anybody. She held it tight to her chest and protected those she cared about from the shadows growing and flourishing inside her. If she couldn’t tell her own parents or siblings what her life was really like, why was she even considering telling Braden?
She also didn’t want to tell him because she loved, absolutely relished, the way he looked at her. A lot of men looked at her like she was beautiful, sassy, fun, a tease, a temptation, but nobody in her life had looked at her as if she were their entire world. Braden made her feel all lit up inside, innocent, sweet, beautiful, angelic … and those were dangerous words in her line of work. She didn’t want to see his blue eyes fill with horror or disappointment or whatever might happen if she told him the whole, ugly, soul-destroying truth.
Dang it! She wanted to scream.
She couldn’t hide in the bathroom all night, so she forced herself to grit her teeth and get it over with. With the way things were between them, her having just punched him as hard as she could, and it was plenty hard, she doubted he was going to hold her close and pray over her tonight. Would him just being in the bed nearby stop the nightmares? What if he’d permanently stopped them by his prayer last night? That would be incredible.
She opened the door and walked out, not sure if she should apologize or simply crawl into bed like the worm she was and avoid him. The nightmares would probably come, but she deserved them. She knew she did.
She stopped two feet out of the bathroom. Braden kneeled next to the bed, his head bowed, his muscular back and shoulders on display as he prayed.
Seeming him in that humble position hit her so hard. Of course he was praying. What else would a strong, incredible military man do when he couldn’t get through to his woman? He’d pray for help. It was what her dad, uncle, brother, cousins, and Papa would do. She loved them. She respected them. She missed praying desperately.
Before she knew what she was doing she’d rushed across the space, dropped to her knees next to him, and wrapped her arms around his back and chest from the side, clinging to him and sobbing out, “I’m such a blind, stubborn, resistant mule, Braden. Will you pray for me?”
Braden turned to her and wrapped her up tight. “You’re not a mule, but stubborn …”