She laughed unsteadily.
Before she could retract her request or joke it away, he was praying, “Dear Father above. We come before you humbly with love and gratitude in our hearts.”
Gratitude? For what? Should she be grateful she was a hardened killing machine? Braden should be grateful she kept pushing him away or hitting him? He should be grateful he’d been attacked, had his house burned down, and his life thrown into upheaval? They should be grateful King Frederick was ready to nuke their entire nation and everyone they loved?
“I pray that you will put a special blessing on Madison. Let her feel Your love, Your peace, Your understanding, and Your healing power.”
Maddie had never felt any words so deeply. Braden paused. She let the words soak over her. Love. Peace. Understanding. Healing. Power. Could it really be possible for her?
Braden’s voice continued, low and impactful. “Please help Madison to know that the dark deeds she’s seen or done are not her. Not the real her.”
Whoa. That was an interesting thought. The things she’d seen and done had become like a tattoo over her soul. But they weren’t the real her? Could she peel them off somehow? Scrub them from her memory with enough faith? She had no idea.
“Let her know her family members love her, accept her, and are there for her.”
Jerking in surprise, she settled back into the warm embrace of his arms and she wondered how he knew. He’d said he could see her, claimed he knew her, but she’d never told anyone how it hurt inside to emotionally hide herself from her family. Though she knew they loved her, she didn’t think they’d accept what she’d done. What she’d become. Her family were warriors, every last one of them, but to her knowledge only she, Papa, Aiden, and Greer had taken life. She’d overheard her mom and aunt talking about how deeply it had affected Greer. It had just been another reason for her to keep it all inside. It was better if they didn’t know how cold and dark she was.
“We love you, Lord, and are so grateful for you,” Braden continued. “Thank you for so many blessings in our lives, most of all our safety and protection over the past two days. Please continue to protect us. We are grateful for this time together, for the opportunity for me to get to know Maddie and love and appreciate her.”
Maddie’s eyes widened. He didn’tlove her, love her. He was simply an incredible Christian and an unreal man and was trying to help her.
“We thank You also for taking away her nightmare last night. Please continue to keep those images and that pain far from her and give her a restful sleep. Please help us to be pure and respectful of the laws of moral cleanliness while we sleep. Please help Maddie to forgive and love herself and to turn to You. In all things, we praise You and are grateful for You. In the name of our Savior, amen.”
Maddie couldn’t echo amen. She kneeled there, cuddled against Braden’s chest, completely overwhelmed. His prayer was a lot to process and maybe impossible to take to heart. Especially a heart as layered with ice as hers. She put to memory every word he’d said. She never wanted to forget his sincerity and his faith, but …
It couldn’t be that easy for her. Forgive herself. Turn to Jesus. Know that her deeds didn’t define the real her. Be accepted by God, her family, and Braden. Actually, she could believe that Braden accepted her and knew her family did too, but if they knew what she’d become …
She shuddered and pulled away from him, springing to her feet. “Well, um, thank you for … that.” She couldn’t look at him. “If you want to use the bathroom, feel free. I’m going to try to get some rest. I need to be ready for that early morning swim. Did I tell you my cousin Aiden is a Navy SEAL? He trained me to be a mermaid in the water and I am going to smoke you when we swim.” She gave an unsteady laugh.
Braden straightened, and it was impossible to stop herself from looking at him. He was so handsome—those sculpted facial features, the teal-blue eyes, the well-built body, the appetizing lips—but he was so much more than his exterior appeal.
“Maddie,” he said softly. He didn’t touch her, but his voice was a caress all on its own. His eyes held her captive. “I know you’re scared. I know it’s overwhelming to trust God and to trust me and to let the pain go. We can take it slow. You don’t have to do it tonight unless you feel ready. I’ll be here for you as long as you’ll let me and I promise you your Savior will be here even longer than that. He’ll never desert you, and neither will I.”
That was intense and so beautiful. She held his gaze as long as she could. Did he really believe that? Heaven was waiting for her and wouldn’t give up on her? Could Braden himself really be that dedicated to her? It was unfathomable.
“Poetic words. I’ll write them in my journal,” she managed to get out, trying to be snarky and bratty. She had to somehow lighten all of this … deep stuff.
He didn’t respond to her barb, simply studied her, not asking anything of her but willing to give her everything. Her male family members were the most incredible men in the world … but Braden was somehow even more incredible, at least for her.
She wanted to fling herself against his chest and hold him tight. But instead she gritted her teeth, turned from him, walked over, and lay on top of the bed. She needed more distance from him but didn’t know how to achieve it right now.
She’d been through a lot longer days than today, but she was exhausted emotionally and trying to process Braden’s words, prayer, and loyalty to her. He hardly knew her. It was scary and exhilarating that he could feel so strongly about her. Yet he didn’t know the parts of herself she hid from those she loved. Or did he? He seemed to have x-ray vision where her heart and soul were concerned. He’d said a few things that almost seemed as if he knew she protected the innocent and that was why she killed.
Braden turned off the light and then walked to the bathroom. The door closed behind him. She lay there, thinking, sorting it all out in her mind, wondering if she could pray, wondering if she could love Braden, wondering if she could love herself.
Tears traced out of her eyes and into her hairline. Some pooled in her ears. A hard knot formed in her chest and she recognized the anger, the fear, the futility of her future and of ever being innocent and happy again creeping back in.
Braden opened the bathroom door and for a moment he was outlined by the light, then he shut it off and his footfalls approached the bed. Maddie was scared. She was so scared. It was insane. Someone could come at her with a knife, a gun, an axe, a machete, any kind of weapon, and she would just act on instinct and fight and win. But she couldn’t win against Braden, and she couldn’t win against the pain and darkness inside her. Braden said they could take it slow, but even slow seemed impossible.
He settled into the bed and her heart rate bumped up. A few beats of silence passed and she held her breath, hoping he wouldn’t simply go to sleep and at the same time hoping he would.
“Can I hold you?” he asked in a husky, warm voice that made her quiver.
Could he? How would she resist him if he did? She should probably punch him again. That was safe. That was familiar.
“Um … I don’t think so. Cuddling in the night messes up my … hair. Can’t do a thing with it in the morning.” She clenched her fists so she wouldn’t reach for him.
“Oh … okay.” The disappointment was thick in his voice and filled the air between them.