I feel it all over again, the aching desire, the burgeoning love, the need, and the relief and the hurt and the solace–and underneath it, a cold, deep fear.
Fear that he’ll find me. Fear that he won’t. Fear that he still wants me, and fear that he doesn’t.
That he’ll take me from Liam.
That Liam will find out about the call and think I wanted it. That I wanted Alexandre to find me.
I feel confusion churning inside of me, twisting my insides until I don’t know what’s right or wrong, what I want, what I need.
“This is why you need me,petit poupée,” he croons over the phone, as if he can read my mind, all the turmoil inside of it. “You need me to tell you what to do, what you need, what you want. You need me so that the pain can go away. You know you do, mypetit–”
“I’m not your little doll anymore,” I whisper, interrupting him. I force the words out, the ones I need to say, even as I feel as if my heart is tearing in two. Part of it is Liam’s, and part of it is Alexandre’s, and no matter what I do, I don’t know how I can ever be whole again.
“I—what we had was good, Alexandre, for a little while. But it wasn’t right. I can’t—I can’t go back.”
“You can, and you will.” His voice is sharp, his accent thick and pronounced, his voice harsher after my rejection. “You forget,petit, that I own you. Remember how much I paid? A hundred million dollars to keep you broken and pretty in my home.”
“I don’t know if I want to go back, I–”
“I don’t care what you want,petit!” His voice rises, and I can hear the hurt running through it, the anger. “I haven’t punished you properly for letting another man pleasure you. For coming on his cock while he fucked you.”
“You did that to me. You made him—”
“I didn’t make you enjoy it!”
His voice drops again, more soothing now. “Tell me where you are,petit. We can discuss this. We can talk it out—you can come home. Back to Paris, with me, where I can protect you. Where I can keep you safe.”
“I’m safe here.”
“No,petit.” Alexandre laughs, but it sounds almost sad. “You’re not. You think the Irishman loves you? He has secrets from you,petit. Ask him what they are. He won’t tell you.”
“You kept secrets from me.”
“For your own good—”
I hit the button to end the call before he can say another word, my heart rising up in my throat, choking me. I drop the phone to the bed as if it’s burning my hand, clutching the blankets in my fists as I squeeze my eyes tight, trying not to panic, not to come apart at the seams. Not to lose control, here alone, like I have so many times before.
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.But it’s not.
He’s found me, and part of me wants to go to him, to slip back into the blessed relief of the Paris apartment, where the world was only Alexandre and me, where he chose for me, where he made me completely, unequivocally his. Where, for a little while, I was able to forget.
The other part of me wants to stay here, where I’m free to choose, rather than give up my freedom again. To stay where I can come and go as I please, eat what I wish, do what I want. Where there’s a man who loves me without conditions, without the need for control.
I feel as if I’m being torn apart, and the feeling spirals higher, shredding my nerves, threatening to make me fall to pieces there in the bed.
I try to ground myself, to feel the blanket between my fingers, smell the scent of Liam’s skin still lingering on mine, remember the taste of his mouth. It feels almost impossible, my world spinning out of control, sliding back to where I was before. To where I’d been when Liam took me away, broken and shattered, a shell of the person I once was.
No. I’ve come too far. I can’t.
It takes everything in me to breathe, to think, to reason my way through it. Somehow, Alexandre has my number. The thought terrifies me, but he can’t get to me here, in this apartment. Surely he can’t.
The note. I turn, reaching for the piece of paper on my pillow. I see Liam’s bold handwriting scrawled across it when I unfold it.
I had to leave early this morning, lass. I’ll call you as soon as I know what my day will be like. Sleep well—you looked beautiful this morning, as beautiful as always.
Love,
Your Liam