Lo
Iwake up freezing. The breath leaves my lungs in a hot cloud and my whole body trembles. The room is dark, Santa is gone, and moonlight streams through the window, making patterns on the dark duvet. I rub my eyes, cursing mascara manufacturers everywhere when my hand comes away smeared with the stuff.
The house is quiet, and I grab my toiletries and wash my face in the master bathroom. As I’m brushing my teeth, I step into the darkened room, turning up the thermostat. My hands shake as I shuffle back to the bathroom, but the sight of falling snow flurries outside my window forces my mouth to gape.
Holy shit. It’s snowing!
I rinse my toothpaste out of my mouth and pull on my jacket, gloves and boots. I don’t care that it’s the middle of the night and I might wake the entire house, I burst out of my room like a kid on snow day, and hurry down the stairs to the back deck.
Mace is passed out on the couch in the living room, in front of the fire, a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. I wish I hadn’t been chased out by Annie earlier, or I might have been sleeping there instead. I tiptoe toward the door and quietly open it, watching for any signs that I might have woken him. I step outside, tilt my face up to the stars and inhale. The scent of clean fresh snow tickles my nose, and an icy blast of wind steals my breath.
“Lo.” Gabe’s velvet rasp washes over me like warm fur, and I snap my head in his direction. I didn’t even know anyone was out here, but there he is, sitting on a deck chair, clutching his own bottle of liquor, his downturned face cast in shadow from the house and the weak moonlight.
“Jesus.” I clutch at my chest, as if that might slow my thundering heart. “You scared me. It’s snowing.” I hold out my gloved hand, watching the flurries melt into the warm wool. My legs and feet shuffle of their own accord, my body desperately attempting to generate heat, but failing miserably.
“You shouldn’t be out here.”
“Is that you or your girlfriend talking?” I bite out. His eyes meet mine, and the horror in them makes my stomach flip. “Gabe? What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head, but the smile he gives is weak, fractured, and utter desolation.
I walk to him and crouch down, so he’ll look me in the eye. “Hey, will you talk to me? What the hell is going on?”
“Annie’s pregnant.”
I stagger back, fall on my ass on the freezing deck. My head spins, and I want to be sick. “Oh god. I-I ...” I press my hand to my chest to ease the ache. Tears prick my eyes, and I can’t swallow past the lump in my throat, but I try.For him. “I-I’m ... so happy for you.”
Gabe’s voice cracks as he says, “You don’t look happy for me.”
“I’m ... I’m just in shock.” Tears spill over my lashes, and I wipe them away with my woolly gloves.
“I don’t want kids, Lo. I’ve never wanted kids. I especially don’t want them with a woman I was about to break up with.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
But even hearing those words, I know they’re not true. I know Gabe, better than anyone. He’ll do the right thing here, because he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t.
“You’re going to stay with her, aren’t you?” I don’t mean for my voice to catch on a sob, but it does. I rise, unable to be thisclose to him, unable to look at him when he’s destroying my heart so completely, because I already know the answer.
“What choice do I have, Freckles?”
He’s right. There really is no other choice here. As bad as I feel about being the one to cause his relationship to break up, I’d feel even worse depriving a child of their dad because I am a selfish ho.
“I think that’s great. I think the three of you—” I choke back tears. “I think you’ll be the perfect little family.”
I walk away but Gabe keeps pace with me. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back to him. I can’t meet his gaze. I’m afraid of what I’ll find there. I’m afraid he’ll be upset, and that will just break my heart all over again.
“Lo?”
“It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m great.”
“Well, I’m fuckin’ heartbroken.”