My jaw drops and my hands instinctively go to my belly, cradling my baby as if I could protect them from Gabe’s words. “I know you’re hurting. This pregnancy hasn’t been a piece of cake, and what happened to Ruthie wasn’t fair. It’s rocked us all, but Jesus, Gabe. Do you even want to be a father to our baby?”
He buries his head in his hands, but he doesn’t say a word.
A long silence fills the space between us, and I don’t know what else to say, because the truth might destroy me.
“I wouldn’t hold it against you,” I whisper, even though I’m not sure that’s true. “I knew how you felt about kids. I’ve always known. So if you wanted to walk away right now, to wipe your hands clean of us—it’ll break my heart—but I’ll give you that. I’ll get through it, for him.”
“I want you and our kid more than anything, but Jesus, I’m so fucking scared. I know I’ve fucked up. I’mafuck up. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”
He shifts and rests his head on my lap. Gabe holds onto my legs, and I run my fingers through his hair, as if soothing a child. I’m having a child with a fucking child.God. How did we get here?
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Gabe. You can’t be half in to parenting, or this marriage. Either you want all of us—the scary parts and all—or you don’t.”
“I do. I do want all of you. It’s why I married you.”
“And our baby?”
“I’m sorry, Freckles. I’m so fucking sorry.” He squeezes me tightly and his huge shoulders shudder as he sobs into my lap. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave. I fucked up, but I’m gonna be here. I swear. I’m gonna do right by you both. Just like I promised.”
I nod, and tears stream down my cheeks. I meant what I said. If he’s not all in, I’ll walk away, and I won’t begrudge him, but I refuse to keep living like this, with him having one foot in the grave and one out.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Lo.” He shifts on my lap, turning so he’s looking up at me, his sour breath washing over me and reeking of puke and alcohol. The whole living room stinks of it. It turns my stomach, but we both know the mess won’t be there in the morning for him to clean up. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
“When did it happen?” I whisper, my tears streaming down my face as my heart squeezes.
“Last night.”
“Gabe,” I chastise. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because I didn’t want to believe it. Because I didn’t want to have to tell you and see you cry anymore. There’s been too much of that lately.”
I nod and stroke my fingers tenderly over his face. Gabe cinches his eyes tightly closed and wipes away the tears pooling in the corners.
“My parents were right. I’m such a fuck up.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am. Jesus, you didn’t even want to be with me on our wedding night. You went to someone else.”
“Gabe—”
“It’s killing me, Freckles. I can’t hate you over this, but I want to. I mean, fuck, you didn’t fuck him, but it still hurts like a bitch because I’ve seen the way you look at one another. I know you want to.”
“It was just a stupid kiss, Gabe. It didn’t mean anything. I’m still here. I’m still trying to make this work, and you’re shutting me out.”
“Everything is so fucked up. Ruthie’s gone. I’m about to be a fucking dad and I have no clue what I’m doing, and the idea that I might lose you too scares the shit out of me.”
“You’re not going to lose me. You won’t lose us, but I need you to know I won’t put up with this forever. You need to forgive me or decide you can’t, and we part ways.” I swipe at my tears with the palm of my hand. “You need to show me you can put us first, put our baby first, because I’m barely hanging on here.”
“Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving.” I press a kiss to his forehead and sweep his hair back from his face. “How long has it been since you slept?”
“I don’t know. I dozed in the chair by her bed for a while.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
“Me either,” I say solemnly. “You need to sleep, Gabe. We’ll talk more in the morning, but I won’t leave. I promise.”
He lifts his head from my lap. I stand and help him to his feet, and then I desperately try to keep my balance as he leans on my shoulder for support, and we navigate the hallway. In the bedroom, he falls back on the bed, and I kneel and remove his boots and socks. Then I climb up the mattress and help him remove his jeans.