“You too, sweetheart.” He stays planted in place as I get into my car.
I turn the key to start the engine and part of me wishes he were climbing into the passenger side and running away with me. Off to an unknown location. Where no one knows our names. Where only we know our pasts. That can’t happen though. His life is here with the club and something more is out there waiting for me.
This may be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I have no idea where I’m going. I simply turn onto the highway that leads out of town and away from the BOHMC.
Chapter Ten
I stare off into the distance not wanting to face what’s occurring in front of me. My boy dressed in a suit he’d hate, confined to a box that would terrify him. My heart crumbled into a million pieces the moment he took his dying breath.
His mother isn’t here. She doesn’t get to say goodbye. Has no clue the carnage her words evoked. I only hope she wakes up, so she has to feel the pain that rips through me every second I’m on this Earth and he isn’t. Fathers shouldn’t have to bury their sons. Especially those who’ve barely lived. That never grew past the age of ten. Never got to pitch in a big game. Never got his first kiss. Or had his first fist fight.
There’s so much he’ll never know. A life wasted and for what?
So I could stick my dick in Freya fuckin’ Crow. A woman I had no business touching. No right to love.
I grip the cold dirt in my hands and toss some over his casket as they begin to lower him into the ground. Was almost too damn frozen to dig the hole he’ll rest in for eternity.
I’ll never hear his laughter or the sound of his feet hitting the stairs again. My boy won’t ever hug me or ask me to take him for ice cream. He won’t sneak back out of his room in the middle of the night and beg to stay up just a little longer to watch that scary movie that will haunt his dreams for a month to come.
All he has are lasts. The last thing he said. The last thing he saw. The last thing he felt was fear.
It’ll eat at me every damn day the rest of my life that I let him down. That his life was stolen from him. Why? What do I have to show for any of it? What’s the purpose? What’s the point of a life without him in it?
My brothers surround me. Each taking their own handful of dirt in honor of my son. Even Fisher is here showing his support. I want to knock his teeth down his throat, but I won’t. Not today. I’m not even angry with him. I simply want someone to hurt as deeply as I am. It’s like walking around with wounds that will never heal. Like my wrists have been slit but nothing will staunch the heavy flow of blood.
Belinda’s parents and her family keep their distance. They want to move my wife to a different hospital. I don’t give a fuck what they do with the bitch. Hell, I’d divorce her if I could. Know that makes me an asshole considering her current situation. However, I have nothing left for the evil cunt. Their lawyer is already breathing down my damn neck, saying I should sell the house to help pay for her care. Like they can’t afford the bills. Them rich fucks have never wanted for a damn thing in their lives.
They don’t give a fuck what I want. What Belinda would want.
They use their money to run this town, but their money can’t buy Bensen a future. What good is all that money if you can’t do anything good with it? I begged them to get a second opinion. To fucking buy him new organs if they had to. No. They wanted to carve my son up and give his organs to strangers.
Wouldn’t even let me select what he’s wearing.
I arrived at the funeral home, and they’d already picked out his casket and took care of the whole fucking thing. Then they have the nerve to look at me like I ought to lick their assholes and sing their praises.
If I had my way, Bensen would’ve been buried in his favorite Minecraft tee and jeans. My boy wouldn’t be dressed like their little puppet on a string. Thats how they treat their kids. It’s why Belinda was forced to hide who she was and who she loved.
It’s all pathetic.
The priest finishes his prayer with, “Amen.”
I don’t repeat the sentiment. People are patting me on the back and speaking to me, but I don’t hear their words. Their condolences can’t bring him back.
All I hear is my son’s terrified voice before our car went over that damn bridge.
All I see is him in that damn casket. Cold and lifeless. Frozen in time. Forever ten years old.
How do I accept that he’s gone? How do I move on from this?
Nothing makes fucking sense.
The world has turned upside down.
I don’t know where I go from here.
I don’t want to be alone and yet I don’t want to be around people.
Cate put together a spread at the clubhouse for after. Crow’s ex Ol’ Lady has been hanging around since their boy Zuko was taken in for questioning for a homicide.