A fly buzzed near my ear, and I swatted it away. A need to justify my decision came over me, quite suddenly. I didn’t want Addie to think poorly of me or pity me. I didn’t know which was worse. “Not everyone gets to choose for love, you know. I don’t have the luxury of a choice. I’ll marry for practical reasons and not love. It could be worse. She’s actually quite a lovely person.”
“Barneses have the luxury. Because of Papa. Not only his wealth but his ideals. Ideals that are not typical. I hadn’t really understood that until recently.”
“Yes, look at his stance on Li and Fiona, for example. I thought he’d be against the marriage, but I was wrong.” I grimaced, the need to defend myself disappearing as quickly as it had come. This was Addie Barnes. She was on my side, just as they all were. I could tell her the truth—allow myself to show her my soft underbelly. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. When I see what your sister and Li have—it’s what I want, too.” Like an unexpected storm that rose up inside me, I suddenly wanted to tell Addie the details of my troubles. However, she was too young and unburdened. It hardly seemed fair to tell her about how disappointing my life had turned out to be.
“You could marry me.”
I jerked my head up to look at her. She smiled, but there was a somber quality in her eyes. Was she serious?Of course not, I told myself.She’s young and beautiful.I was old and poor. Not a good match, even though I adored her for even thinking of the idea. “You’re the sweetest girl to think of it. Saving old James and his decrepit bloodline. But even if I were willing to let you sacrifice your happiness for me, it would never do. The kind of wealth we need is the kind Lena’s father has. Even your dear papa couldn’t save us.”
She nodded, looking crestfallen and so very pretty with the bees buzzing around us and the scent of the wild roses blooming on the other side of the pasture. “I’d do it for you. If I could help, I would.”
“You have your whole life ahead of you,” I said. “I want you to have love.” I smiled, sadder than I’d ever been in my life. “At least one of us should. It’ll make me happy to think of whomever it is you choose.”The lucky bastard,I thought.
Her eyes glistened. She looked away, a myriad of expressions flexing the muscles of her face. “Have you ever wondered what love is?”
“What do you mean?” I asked gently.
“How to explain love in words? As in, what it is to love another? How does love manifest? Is sacrifice the way to truly love another? Is that the way we know we’re loved? That a person is willing to give up what they want for the sake of your happiness?”
I nodded, knowing she was right. She was wise beyond her years. I’d always known this to be true, even when she’d been fourteen. It was her eyes. The way they searched a person’s soul and saw everything true. I had to do this for my family. This was love in motion, in action. “I’ve never told anyone this but all my life, I’ve wanted to save my father. As a little boy, I would see how he hurt my mother with the gambling and drinking. I vowed to save them all if I could. Then maybe, just maybe, he would love me. Now’s my chance.”
“James, surely you don’t mean that?”
“I do, in fact. I’ve been waiting to do something so spectacular that he can no longer withhold the love I want so badly. I didn’t think it was possible.”
“I’m sure he loves you. All fathers love their sons.”
“I don’t know if that’s true.” The last time I’d seen him he’d told me I was useless to him. Wasting my life with my face in a book, instead of seeking a fortune to save the family. “He loves his drink and his poker games, but my sister and me? I don’t think so. He certainly doesn’t act as if he does, anyway.”
She drew in a breath and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. I caught a glimpse of her small white teeth as she did so. A stirring in my gut confused me. I wanted to trace the path of a wayward tendril on her cheek with my finger, but I resisted. What was this? This sudden longing for Adelaide Barnes was unconscionable. What kind of disgusting old man was I? She was not for me. She could do so much better. Not that she wanted me, obviously. She was only being a good friend and a little sister.
“Is there any other way, James?” She placed a hand on my bare wrist for a brief moment. “Is Lena the only way?”
“I can’t think of another,” I said.
Her voice raised in pitch, and her hands gripped each other in her lap. “What if you let them find their own way out? Your father got you into this mess. Shouldn’t he be the one who gets himself out?”
I watched her, confused. “Didn’t we just decide that sacrifice and duty were what we must do when we love someone?”
“Yes, but why does it have to be so hard?” Addie asked. “I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to see you unhappy.”
“If our theory is true, then my sacrifice should make me happy.”
“But it won’t, will it?”
I shook my head. “If I were a better person, perhaps it would.”
“You’re one of the best people I know,” Addie said. “Your father and his irresponsibility shouldn’t fall on you.”
“But it does.”
“Yes.” She dipped her head, and a tremulous sigh made her narrow shoulders shudder. “I wish…I wish so many things were different.”
“Addie, promise me something?”
She looked up, her blue eyes bright with emotion. “Anything.”
“Whoever this man is who is making you cry—run from him. Love should never make you cry. Wait for the man who would do anything to be with you. Who would sacrifice for you.”