He leans his head back and blows out a breath before looking at me. His gaze is intense, and there’s so much sorrow in it I can feel the pain shooting in my chest. He grabs the hem of his shirt up and off his body. He drops the Henley-style shirt to the ground before reaching into his pocket. He pulls his hair back and wraps a tie around his hair, and for the first time, I can see the damaged skin of his arm, neck, and face.
I take a step toward him with a hand held up. “Ethan...”
He takes a step back. “No, I need to get this out, Nikki.”
I stop in my tracks, trying to hide the hurt of his refusal. I don’t know why it hurts. I should be used to it by now.
He looks me in the eye. “I don’t like seeing you sad. This last year has been hell for the both of us. At first, I convinced myself that I was imagining the sadness in you. I kept thinking that if I gave you long enough, you’d move on and you’d be happy... without me.”
I bring my hand up to my chest, right over my heart. “Is that what you want? You want me to move on?”
He takes a step forward, and I hold completely still, hoping not to cause him to draw back. “I want you happy.”
“You fool. You make me happy.”
He flips on the light in the office. It wasn’t dark in here in the first place, and I could see him plainly, but I guess he wants to make sure I get a good look. “Look at me. You want to go to sleep with this next to you each night? You want to wake up to this? Fuck, Nikki, you want me to be a dad to your kids?” He’s spitting out the words in disgust. “Hell, I’ll probably scare them to death.”
I take my time and search his face. It’s obvious what he wants me to do. He thinks I’m going to be repulsed by it, but all I can manage is a deep mourning for everything he’s given up this last year because he thought I couldn’t look past it. He thinks it’s horrific, but it’s not. Yes, he looks different, but he’s still the same man I fell in love with.
I take a step forward and put my hand on the marred skin of his arm. My touch is feather light. “Can I ask you something, Ethan?”
He grits his teeth. “Yes.”
I look up at him, wanting to know the truth. “If it was me...”
He shakes his head and grabs on to my forearms. “Don’t say it, Nikki. Don’t even finish that sentence.”
I put my hands at his waist. “No, hear me out. If it was me that was hurt, and I had scars, would you not want to be with me anymore?”
He reaches his hand up and brushes it across my cheek. “You know I would want to be with you. I’d want to take care of you. It doesn’t matter to me what you look like.”
I look down at my body and back at him. “Really? I’ve gained over thirty pounds since you ended our engagement. I’ve been called chubby, fat ass, all of it. Does the way my body’s changed make you feel different about me?”
“You’re beautiful to me, Nikki.”
I nod. “And you’re beautiful to me, Ethan. I know you wanted me to look at you, and maybe you thought I’d run out of here, but I didn’t and I won’t. I love you just the way you are. I know you. I know how you make me feel, and I know that you’re going to be a great dad. None of that has changed.”
He leans his forehead against mine. “Fuck, I love you, Nikki.”
I gasp and lean forward, pressing my lips to his. The reunion of our lips together has tears pouring down my face, but I don’t dare stop. I lean in and press my body to his. His hands trail down my body, and he picks me up at the waist. My legs go around him, and he walks out of the room, down the hall to his bedroom.
I push my hips against him, wanting more... wanting everything.
Chapter9
Ethan
She feels good in my arms. It’s like she’s where she’s meant to be, and I want to cherish this feeling, but the way she’s working herself on my dick, I know I can’t stop.
I’ve let her down in so many ways, and I don’t deserve her, but she believes I can make her happy. All I can do is try like hell to do just that.
I stop next to the bed and let her slide down. The feel of her body pressed against mine is like living out my dreams. The only action I’ve seen is at the grip of my hand, and I know I’m not prepared to be inside her.
I reach for the hem of her shirt, but before I lift it, I give her another chance to back out. “Is this okay?”
Her eyes are wide, and she nods her head. I pull the shirt up, exposing her midriff, and she holds on to my hand to stop it. Her face is red when she explains, “My body is different now, Ethan... different than it used to be.”
It blows my mind that a woman as beautiful as Nikki is nervous about me seeing her. It seems that while I thought I was saving her, I was obviously destroying her happiness and her self-esteem. Fuck, I have so much to make up for.