It’s not a question, but I answer anyway.“Yeah.I got the itch a few weeks ago and decided to use the camera you bought me for my birthday.”My finger slides delicately along the edges of a couple of my favorite photos.“It felt good to have a camera in my hands again.I felt like me for the first time since Robbie died.”
When I glance back up at him, he’s still staring at me, and there’s a tenderness in his gaze that makes my cheeks feel warm.
“I’m glad you’re finding yourself again.”
Is that what I’m doing?Did I really lose myself when Robbie died?
I suppose I did, but only because Robbie was such an integral part of who I was.We got together when we were fifteen.He was my first love.We experienced all of our firsts together, which bonds a couple in a way that’s hard to break.So, I guess it’s only natural that losing him made me lose a piece of myself.
I think it’s discovering which piece of myself I lost that I’ve had to come to terms with.I didn’t die with Robbie—as much as it sometimes feels like it.He was my whole world while he was alive, but now that he’s gone, I have to find out who I am without him.
“I’m going to sell the house,” I blurt out.
His expression changes from tenderness to surprise.“Really?”
“Yeah, I already started talking to a realtor.I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”
“I know.You told me.”
Right.I did.
“Do you think it’s a mistake?”It’s the question I’ve been asking myself nearly nonstop since I made my decision.
“Depends on your reasons.”
I glance around my house before looking back at him.“Memories of us are everywhere.And as much as I love him, I need to let this part of him go, or I’ll never be able to move on like he wanted me to.The idea of bringing someone here, in our space, where we were so happy…it feels like cheating, even if it’s not.I think it’s time for a fresh start, as hard as it’s going to be to actually let go of this house.”My eyes start to fill with tears, but I hold them back.“We loved this house.”
“It’s a good house.”
I nod and sniffle, but feel like it’s progress that my tears never leave my eyes.
“I don’t think it’s a mistake.He’d want you to be happy.”
“Yeah, he would.”We both smile at each other, and I can no longer ignore what bothered me so much earlier.“I’m sorry for interrupting your…dinner.”The word is weighted in my mouth and hangs in the air.I didn’t say date, but we both know what I’m thinking.
“It was stupid.You actually saved me by giving me an excuse not to linger.”
“That bad, huh?”
“I thought I was meeting Trent and Becka for dinner, and instead I showed up to a blind date.”
I bark out a laugh.“No way!”
He buries his head in his hands and groans.“Yes way,” he mumbles into his hands, keeping his face covered from me.
“Why would Trent do that?”
Tristan glances up at me, his crystal-blue eyes piercing.“He thinks I need to mo—date.”
He was going to say something else, and I’m curious what it was, but by the stubborn set of his jaw, I suspect he won’t tell me.
“When was the last time you went on a date?”
The look he gives me is almost…sheepish?And there’s a tinge of pink to his cheeks like he might be embarrassed to answer.It can’t be any worse than my answer.I think the last time Robbie took me on a proper date was probably three or four months before he died.
“Tris?”
“Define date.”