I’m a mess of worry. I pace around the back yard thinking about what she might be doing right now. Eventually, I hike up to the cliffs, just to give myself something to do and to make sure Kaye’s not thinking about something very stupid. She’s not there and the rocks below are quiet and empty. Only the waves, lapping against stone. Silent witnesses to so much pain.
I head back to the house. By the time I return, it’s getting to be late evening and the sun’s dipping. Nathan and Dom will come back soon, and I’m praying they’ll have good news. As it stands, Lesley still hasn’t seen Kaye, and I’ve got the rest of Calico out searching for her.
I sit at my desk and stare at my phone. The recording of Dean Wotherspoon that night echoes in my head. I can still see him, crouching down next to the waves staring out into the black soup, out toward where Lucy must’ve hit. He wanted to swim into that darkness and try to bring her back but I held him back. I didn’t need two dead bodies on my hands. She was gone and he would’ve drowned too if he tried to go out there in the rough surf in the darkness. As it stands, I nearly got myself killed doing that exact same thing, and I was a better swimmer and younger than him by far.
I made a choice that night. I saved his life by holding him back, but I also made him mine. I recorded our conversation. I explained to him our new arrangement. I decided to shield him from the world in exchange for his protection and influence. He didn’t quite understand what it meant until a few days later, after his emotions regulated and he began to feel like himself.
He’d raged. Shouted. Tried to wiggle out of the deal. But I calmly reminded him of what happened and what I held over his head.
Now I wish I’d never done something so fucking reckless.
If I’d just told everyone the truth, things would be okay, or at least Kaye wouldn’t hate me and the rest of my friends wouldn’t be in danger from a vindictive, vengeful dean. I’m sure he’s got his own file of blackmail material proving all the fucked-up shit we’ve smuggled onto the island over the last year.
Kaye was never part of my calculations. If I’d known how I’d feel about her, everything would be different—but there was no way to guess back when I made all these choices.
If the truth about Lucy’s death came out, Kaye never would’ve come to Saint Parras. She wouldn’t have had a reason to come to this place, this hell with a sheen of paradise, and I never would’ve met her.
Would that be better?
I couldn’t tell her the truth. I couldn’t, and that’s what kills me the most. If she only understood the tightrope walk I’m performing, balancing myself, my friends, the dean, the island, the board, the students, the societies—all these fucking factors—maybe she’d understand.
But I can’t blame her for hating me now.
Even still, I can’t let her go, not without talking to her first.
“Emilio.”
I stand up straight, yanked from my thoughts. Dirk’s standing in the doorway, frowning out at me. He looks exhausted and drawn, and his eyes are rimmed with red like he’s been crying.
“What’s wrong?”
He steps out and closes the door behind him. He can’t look me in the eye—he keeps staring down at the floor. His body language screams guilt, fear, and sorrow. Alarm bells clang in the back of my head but I’m too distracted to parse them.
“I wanted to tell you this sooner.” He keeps staring down, down, down. “It was hard though. I thought… I thought I loved him. I think I still do. You know what that’s like, don’t you?”
“Loved him? Loved who?” I shake my head, confused. “Look, Dirk, if you need to talk about a boyfriend or whatever—”
“It’s Terrence.” He looks up finally, eyes watery. He’s trying hard not to cry. “I’m so, so sorry, Emilio. I didn’t think it was going to matter.”
“What’s going on?” I step toward him, body on high alert. I didn’t know Dirk and Terrence were having an affair. How could I have not known that? I’ve been distracted this year, but still. This is my house, these are my people. How did I miss something so important right under my nose?
“He told me only a week ago and I thought it was a joke, but he wasn’t kidding. I yelled at him, you know? I told him to stop and to go tell you right away, but he refused, he kept saying that the money was too important. I wanted to tell you right away, but I love him. You have to understand that, right? I love him and didn’t want to see him get hurt, because I know you’ll hurt him, but I can’t keep doing this. He went too far.”
“Dirk.” I say his name sharp enough to make him look up again. “Tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“It’s Terrence. He’s been telling things to Cask and Barrel. He’s been selling our secrets to Malcolm, and I think he’s the one that told them about Lesley. That’s how they knew she’d be on the boat that morning. And I think he has Kaye.”
I stand there in total shock. Tears roll down Dirk’s face and he hugs himself tightly. I can barely process, barely understand.
“Terrence is a traitor?” I whisper the words.
“I’m so sorry, Emilio. I should’ve come to you right away. I really thought I loved him.”
I nod stupidly and touch his shoulder. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Please don’t hurt him. Please, Emilio. He means well, but his sister is sick—”
“Enough. Go back inside.”