“In the meantime, apply to the program,” I said brusquely. “If you give Potts your banking information, I’ll arrange a one-time transfer to cover the last three years of child support. It should more than cover the application fee.” It would cover a down payment on a two-bedroom condo, too, but I’d let her figure that out.
Our food came then, and we ate in silence. Cami’s face was troubled, and I knew why. Now she was the one wondering if she was being bought. What it would mean if she accepted my money. She would accept it though; I would make sure of that. And as soon as the transfer went through, I would feel entitled to see my daughter.
Maybe I was trying to buy her after all, and she was in no position to turn down my offer.
6
CAMI
When I got home late that night, Emma was in bed, but I could hear the TV playing in the living room. Casey was still up. I walked toward the noise, then stopped at the threshold, overwhelmed. Casey sat on the couch, her legs pulled up on the cushion and her ankles crossed, She glanced over when she heard me and tilted her head questioningly. When I only shrugged, she patted the cushion beside her.
I walked past her and looked out at the pool. It glowed like a square-cut aquamarine against the backdrop of the dark hills.
“Want to go for a swim?” Casey asked, switching off the television.
I shook my head. I could see her reflection in the sliding glass door. Blonde with the long, lithe muscles that came from exercising every day, and a glow that came from an absurdly healthy lifestyle. My opposite in every way, and it went further than skin deep. She would never be in my position. Casey was only three years older than me, but she’d made a name for herself as a Peloton instructor, and then she’d built a lifestyle brand. She’d never have to ask a man for money.
“Come on,” Casey coaxed. “You look like you need to move.”
I smiled even though I didn’t feel like it. My best friend thought moving was the answer to any problem. Maybe she was right. My swimsuits were in the room Emma was sleeping in, but I borrowed one of Casey’s and we slipped out onto the dark patio. The outdoor lamps would have flooded through the curtains and woken Emma, so we kept them off.
Treading water, I told her how dinner with Landon had gone. She listened, treading water more easily than I would ever be able to, even after my years of swimming against the current in Hawaii. “You don’t have to factor in cost of living,” she said reprovingly. “Just live here while you’re going to school. I’m gone half the time anyway.”
“Yes, I do.” Uncomfortable, I slipped below the surface of the pool for a moment to get my thoughts straightened out. When I surfaced, I blinked water out of my eyes and explained, “It’s part of getting my life together. Step one–stop living off other people.”
Casey shrugged like she wanted to argue, but I knew she understood. She switched to swimming leisurely laps. I kicked to the side of the pool and caught my breath before finishing my story about how dinner had gone.
“What do you think?” I asked when I was done. “Did I make a mistake telling him about Emma?”
Casey considered it for a length. “No. You shouldn’t have hidden it from him in the first place, but I know why you did.”
I knew she had always felt that way. Four years ago, she was the only other person besides my parents I told about the baby. Unlike them, she’d done everything she could to convince me to tell Landon that I was pregnant. I hadn’t listened to her then, and there was no use regretting it now. I waited impatiently for her to go on.
She spoke while she swam. “I don’t think he’s going to try to take sole custody, if that’s what you’re thinking. But he’s going to make sure his bases are covered in terms of child support so that if you tried to deny him visitation or shared custody in the future, your lawyers couldn’t paint him as a deadbeat.” Casey’s long, slim arms pushed the water aside easily, and her voice came out as normal as if we were sitting on the couch.
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“He doesn’t know that.”
I reflected on her words. What she said was true. Landon probably felt like he had no idea what I was capable of now that he knew I’d hidden his daughter from him all this time. But how was I to know he’d want her after how many times he made it clear he didn’t want a family? If anything, I’d expected him to offer me money to go away.
I remembered the emotion I saw, even though he tried to hide it, when I told him about Emma. His face had remained a stone wall, but his pale green eyes had shown shock, and then what looked like guilt. But why would he feel guilty? It didn’t make any sense. And then tonight, when he told me I wouldn’t keep him from her, I’d seen fierce protectiveness, like he already knew and loved her.
“He looked guilty?” Casey repeated when I told her all of this. “You don’t think he knew all along, do you?”
I shook my head. “No, he was definitely shocked.”
“Hmm.” She finished her laps and hooked her elbows back over the edge of the pool, tilting her head back to look up at the stars. “What’s his relationship with his dad like?”
I had no idea. Landon had mentioned his mother once or twice. I didn’t get the impression they were very close, but I knew she lived in Clearlake and was divorced from her third husband.
“Maybe his relationship with his dad is the key,” Casey said.
“To what?”
“To why he didn’t want kids in the first place and why he feels guilty now.” Casey shrugged her shoulders, causing small ripples to widen. “Obviously I don’t know anything for sure. It’s just a theory.”
I’d learned to never discount Casey’s theories, but I didn’t know what to do with this one. I couldn’t see how the two were connected. I leaned back in the water, letting it take my weight one inch at a time until I was floating beneath the star strewn sky. The night was darker here, the pinpoints of light brighter than the city below, but it was still washed out compared to the starscape of Oahu. I missed it suddenly and fiercely. I didn’t think the money mattered, but when it went, it took the house, the slow-paced, worry-free life with Emma, and even the sky I was used to with it.