Although I had to admit, to myself if not to Casey, that there was something uncomfortably exciting about having Landon back in my life. Like I was waking up after a long, restful nap, stretching, feeling life snap and crackle back into my blood. I closed my eyes and saw his face imprinted on the back of my lids. He hadn’t changed in four years. The rock-hard jawline my fingers knew so well was the same. I imagined that his cheeks were still rough with stubble no matter how often he shaved. His hair was close cropped but soft as cat fur in my memory.
His green eyes were still penetrating and unreadable at the same time. His body was still strong and lean underneath that perfectly tailored suit, and his walk was still that of a predator who had learned to keep himself under tight control. A memory of what it was like when he finally let go of that control flashed through my mind before I shoved it away hard. I blew out my breath and submerged, letting the cool, silky water glide over my face, sinking all the way to the bottom.
When I resurfaced, Casey was waiting, her eyebrow cocked inquisitively. “Trying to end it all?”
I smiled and rolled my eyes heavenward. “Just thinking.”
“It’s okay to be overwhelmed.”
Tears stung my eyes, and I let myself sink back under the water. Though I knew that tears were good and necessary, I prided myself on not shedding them over thissituation. I’d managed not to cry when the lawsuits were mounted and when the verdict came in. I’d even stayed dry eyed as I packed Emma’s clothes under the watchful eyes of two strange men. To cry would have felt a little toopoor little rich girlfor my taste, and I was determined to prove I was the opposite of that girl. I was going to stand on my own two feet and support my daughter and build a life that no one could ever yank out from under me.
But first, I was going to ask my ex for a loan and cry in my best friend’s pool. I opened my eyes and saw Casey’s legs kicking blurrily through the underwater world. After another moment, she sank beneath the surface too and gave me a big, closed-mouth smile. Then she said something that the water turned into muffled nonsense, and a stream of bubbles issued out of her mouth.
“What?” I asked when we both resurfaced.
“I said it’s all going to be okay.”
Casey was known for her motivational speeches. She had trademarked sayings and a way of looking at you that made you feel like you were the only person in the world. Like she had seen into your DNA and knewexactlyhow vast your potential was. It wasn’t just what she said, it was how she said it. Now, her simple words, said while she blinked chlorinated water off her wet, spiky lashes, still somehow went straight to my heart.
“If you say so,” I said, swimming over to the side and hauling myself out. The night was as warm and heavy around my shoulders as a towel. We needed a good storm to loosen the tension in the air.
“Just maybe don’t fall in love with him again,” Casey said. “That’s my only advice. Or if you do, tell him this time.”
“I didn’t fall in love with him before,” I objected.
Casey’s hair was plastered to her skull now, making her eyes look wide and spooky dancing in the pool lights with their dark mascara rings. “Yes, you did. Why do you think you tried to save him?”
“Save him?” I spluttered. “What are you talking about, Casey?” My best friend was usually so insightful, but right now she was way off track. I hadn’t left four years ago because I was trying tosaveLandon. I was…well. I didn’t entirely know why I’d run. Maybe I was trying to save both of us from the facsimile of a happy family I knew he’d feel obligated to create. The sham that would break my heart.
“I’m not saying I approve,” she said, swimming toward the ladder. “In fact, you know I did everything I could to change your mind. The man impregnated you. Don’t skip town with the consequences. But you did it because you wanted to save him from himself. Because you loved him.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong.”
“Okay.”
“Youare.”
“Okay!”
Casey climbed out of the pool and wrapped a towel around her waist. I fought a childish urge to shoot her a dirty look. She must have seen the impulse though, because she laughed as she came over to pull me to my feet. “I have to tell you the truth because I love you, Cami. I think you deserve the world.”
Again, the sting of tears. Again, I fought them back, though I couldn’t quite swallow the lump that grew in my throat at her words. “I love you, too.”
“I know.”
“But it’s not the truth,” I added. “I wasn’t in love with him.”
“Okay.”
“It’s not!” I insisted.
“I believe you.”
She didn’t though, and later that night, in the cool cocoon of my room, the pale blue pool lights making shadows dance eerily across the sheer curtains over my windows, I had to admit that it was the truth.
I had been in love with Landon Campbell.
And now I was just praying I wouldn’t fall again.