Saoirse
Earlier—Clontarf Hosptial
“Cillian. I’m sorry. But I thought we were both just playing pretend.”
The words that just left my lips sound convincing.
But surely, surely, he can see through them, can’t he?
I’m frustrated at myself for the strange dichotomy of my own feelings.
Because as much as I want him to believe me, a part of me is hurt that he would believe me so easily.
Does he really think I’d be so fickle? That my feelings are so flimsy?
Maybe I’m asking for a lot. If I were standing in his place, I’d believe it immediately.
It never made much sense that a guy like him with the world at his feet would choose a girl like me without a cent to her name.
Cillian stands in the hallway and stares at me, his light blue eyes slowly morphing from disbelief to grim acceptance.
It hurts so fucking much to see that expression on his face.
They tell you that hope is hard to kill.
What’s far harder is watching it die.
“I didn’t mean it,” I continue past the pain. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I didn’t think you did, either.”
He doesn’t respond to that. He just looks at me like he’s reassessing the whole situation. Reassessing our time together.
I want to take his hand.
I want to touch him again.
One last time before he disappears forever and I’m left here, marooned indefinitely in a life I never wanted.
If I could just kiss him, just one more time..
One more chance to tattoo the taste of his lips against my own. So that in my darkest moments, I can close my eyes and feel his kiss again.
And maybe, just maybe, it’ll help me endure. It’ll help me survive.
But I know I can’t have either of those things.
I can’t touch him again.
I certainly can’t kiss him again.
Because if I do, he’ll know.
I may be able to hide the truth behind well-crafted lies.
But I’ll never be able to hide my feelings for him through a kiss.
Even the softest of touches will give me away. It’ll betray my secret. The secret I must keep because keeping it means getting him away from me, away from Ireland.
It means keeping him alive.