And I hadn’t known how to fix him. I tried my best to figure it out, but before I could, I lost him.
“I haven’t had anyone to rely on since Cesar’s death,” I admit, keeping my hand on Phoenix and patting him gently every now and again. It’s almost time for his next feeding.
“Your papa protected you,” Tamara points out.
“No,” I reply, shaking my head. “Papa protected himself and his business. I was only ever a commodity to be sold and bartered when it suited him. Not a person. Just another Moreno cartel asset.”
“Is it strange for you now that he’s gone?” Tamara asks.
“Sometimes,” I say. “But it’s a good kind of strange.”
She smiles. “I figured as much.”
“I was alone for a very long time. I got too good at it. But then…”
“Artem came along,” Tamara finishes.
“Artem came along,” I echo. “And it was the saving grace of my life, although I didn’t know it at the time.”
Phoenix lets out a long, annoyed cry and I know it’s time to feed him. So I take him out of the baby carrier and hold him to my chest before I get my cover-up.
I drape it over my shoulders and make sure it’s secure before I feed him underneath it.
“Does it hurt?” Tamara asks once I’m settled into place.
“Breastfeeding? It was a little uncomfortable at first,” I admit. “But I got used to it.”
“You think you’ll have more?” she asks.
“I really haven’t thought about it,” I answer honestly. “I mean, I’m still getting used to having this one. But… maybe one day, in the future.”
Tamara shakes her head, looking at me with something close to awe. “I’m glad I got to see you like this, Esme,” she says in a hushed tone. “It makes me feel like it’s possible for me to find my happy ending, too.”
“You’ll definitely find your happy ending, Tamara,” I tell her. “And I want that for you.”
“Do you mean that?” Tamara asks. “After everything I put you through?”
I nod. It’s the truth. A hard truth, a thorny truth—but a truth nonetheless.
“You were put in an impossible situation. I know what it’s like to have to make hard decisions.”
“See?” Tamara says. “There you go: taking care of people.”
All I can do is smile.
After that, we fall into easy conversation, nothing too heavy.
And it helps. It helps remind me of a simpler time, when we were young and hopeful and life hadn’t beaten the naivete out of us yet.
Once I burp Phoenix, I put my cover-up away and I catch Tamara looking at him with a tender expression on her face.
“I still can’t quite believe you have a baby,” she mumbles.
I laugh. “Sometimes, I can’t believe it either.”
She looks hesitant as she asks, “Esme… would you mind if… if I held him?”
I grin. “Of course! Here.”
Phoenix’s little legs churn in the air as I hold him over the table. Tamara’s hands are reaching out to grab him from me.
Her fingers touch his torso.
And then the unmistakable bang of a gunshot tears my world to pieces.