“I know, I know,” she giggles. “But I was a stupid teenager and it wasn’t like he and I were ever very close.”
I shake my head in dismay. “So…”
“So, he asked me where you were and I told him you were sleeping,” Tamara continues. I find myself clinging to every word. “It was small talk for the first few minutes and then I noticed how—I dunno, how sad he looked.”
“Sad.”
“Very sad,” she confirms. “So I asked him what was wrong and he told me he’d had a rough couple of days. I asked him what he did to cope and he said—and I quote—‘I talk to Esme.’”
I talk to Esme.
Those words do something to my heart that I can’t quite explain.
“He really said that?” I ask quietly
Tamara nods with a small smile. “He really said that,” she repeats.
“Did he… did he say anything else?” I ask. I’m greedy for more information. For the brother I loved. For any scrap of him I can cling to and feel like he’s still with me—some way, somehow.
Tamara gives me a sad smile and I feel my heart drop with disappointment.
“Sorry, hon,” she says gently. “He wasn’t in a very chatty mood. At least, not with me.”
I nod as an image of Cesar floats across my eyes. I see him, not as the man he turned out to be, but the boy he was. All easy smiles and silly anecdotes that he made up just to amuse me.
I used to think he was larger than life. But I realize now that that probably wasn’t very fair to him.
He already had so much pressure from Papa.
He didn’t need more from me.
“You still miss him, don’t you?” Tamara asks, reading my expression.
“Of course,” I say in a choked voice. “I miss him every day. Even…”
I trail off, leaving my sentence unfinished. Thankfully, Tamara doesn’t press me to continue. I sigh and fuss with Phoenix’s little overalls for a few seconds.
“I always envied your connection with him,” Tamara says.
“Because you had a crush on him?” I tease.
She laughs. “No, I mean, just the sibling connection the two of you had. It must have been nice to have someone to rely on no matter what.”
No matter what.
The phrase falls dully against my chest and it makes me feel lonely for a moment.
And then something else hits me suddenly, a realization that I might never have come to if it hadn’t been for Tamara.
He used to come to you when he was most broken, and you’d just fix him right up again.
Maybe subconsciously, those were the moments I lived for, because it made me feel like Cesar needed me.
It made me feel strong, important… special.
And when he died, I felt like I’d failed him.
Because a part of me had always known he was suffering.