His eyes grow large, and I can see on his face that he does. It feels like I’ve started winning a war. It's an exhilarating feeling. Then, with his next words, he completely takes the wind out of my sails.
“Can Mommy go?”
“Mommy?” I murmur, stalling as I try and figure out how to answer that. I don’t have experience with kids, but I’m thinking telling him that I hate his mother and don’t want to be around her would be the wrong move.
“She loves dinosaurs. She tries to act like a T-Rex and chase me through the house. She’s silly.”
Briefly, a picture of Katie running through the house acting like a dinosaur hits me, and I shake my head to clear it away. Having kids is something that Katie dreamed of. She was made for that life. I never was. I think that much is clear just by the struggle I’m having just trying to talk to Lennon.
“We can ask her,” I compromise, feeling pretty confident that Katie would rather die than to be in a vehicle with me.
“Yay! What about you Nanny?”
“Oh, don’t look at me. I’m scared of dinosaurs,” Mom laughs, taking the blueberries from him. “How about you go to the bathroom and wash your hands, and I’ll finish the pancakes?”
“Okay!” he says and practically jumps down from the barstool. She dumps the berries into the pancake batter and then stirs them in.
“You should check with Katie before inviting Lennon places, Jake. He needs time to get to know you better,” Mom murmurs.
“I’m not going to beg for time with Lennon. This is time I should have had years ago,” I grumble, resenting the fact that she thinks I must ask for permission to be with my son—especially since I’ve been robbed of seven years of his life already.
“I never realized I gave birth to a man that was so damn sanctimonious that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees.”
“Sanctimonious? That’s rich coming from a mother who chose one son over another one,” I growl.
It hurts me when Mom recoils from me.Shit.I didn’t mean to let my anger out. I thought I could contain it. It has eaten away at me so much, however, that it is impossible to hold in.
“I never realized what a bastard you could be,” Mom says, pain steeped in her voice.
I should feel like the victim here and not the bad guy, but I hear the pain in her voice, and I hate it.
“Mom—”
“I get you’re upset with all of us, and you have the right to be—to a point. Believe it or not, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you were fucking up. I even tried. Jeff and I both came out to see you, Jake. Do you remember?”
“Mom—”
“We told you that you were making a mistake. Wetoldyou that Katie needed you and wanted to talk to you. Do you remember what you said to us, Jake?”
I blow out a frustrated breath. Suddenly, I feel like I’m being placed on trial. I remember that day. I even remember what I said and while it was true, maybe it wouldn’t have been if I had known the whole truth.
“I told you that Katie and I just wanted different things out of life and that all we kept doing by talking was hurting one another,” I mumble, pushing my hand through my hair.
“And what did I tell you, Jake?”
“You said if I loved Katie that I could still have her and live my dream. It didn’t have to be all or nothing. I could compromise. You would have chosen that with Dad, and he wouldn’t let you.”
“Exactly.”
“Fuck, Mom–”
“And you threw my life up to me and let me know how you always felt about my choices. How was I supposed to tell youanything after that, Jake? It was clear you had plans, and just like your father, there was no room for Katie or a baby in your life.”
I think back on that day, and she’s right. I was pissed off and frustrated. I felt like they were coming at me like I was the bad guy. I lashed out—which seems to be the way I react when I feel like I’m cornered. I definitely felt that way when they were there. I hurt Mom. I knew it, and I hated it. Maybe that’s why I remember the exact words I said, because I regretted them the minute they left my mouth.
“I’m not you, Mom. I’m never going to be happy working my ass into the ground trying to survive in a dead-end job, just to raise kids and have no life of my own. It would kill me. Hell, it would kill any good memories I still have left of Katie. I don’t want a home in Macon. I don’t want kids weighing me down and a damn picket fence around a house that I don’t even want to lay down and sleep in. I am not that man. I am not you. I refuse to settle my whole life and never try to achieve my dreams. I’m going to chase after the life I want. I’m going to do this. I choose this. I’m tired of feeling guilty because Katie doesn’t want me to be happy and is trying to use my own damn family against me to drag me down.”
Before, those words sounded harsh. Now, knowing everything that was going on, they mock me and cut me up inside–they have since the moment I talked to my fucking brother.