The empty bar stools we find are at the end of the bar. It’s far enough out of the way of the group of bustling students that multiply by the second on a Friday night, but it’s close enough to get refills as we finish our wine.
“I’m so glad I found someone as serious about studying as I am,” Kat says. “No one around here seems to think this stuff is important.”
“I don’t think they realize what they have,” I say. “When you have nothing, it all changes.”
Kat nods. “Yeah, taking things for granted is dangerous. But you’re going to make honor roll. You know that, right?”
I sigh. The wine is already free-flowing through my veins, but it isn’t distracting me like I hoped. It isn’t cheering me up. Instead, I am more aware of how horrible my life is, and I’m feeling downright sorry for myself. Coming out to drink was a bad idea, but it’s too late now. I’m tipsy, teetering on the edge of being drunk.
“I’m not,” I blurt out.
“Of course you are. You work your ass off. There’s no way you won’t get rewarded for working that hard.”
“Not if I’m not enrolled,” I say.
Kat frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I’m a fraud,” I say. “I don’t go here. I mean, I do…I just…don’t.”
Kat shakes her head. She has no idea what I’m saying. But I’m so sick and tired of secrets, and if there’s one person I can trust around here, it’s Kat. She might not want anything to do with me after I tell her the truth, but I know she won’t turn me in.
At least, I hope she doesn’t.
I start telling her about the night I ran away and slept in a car at a mechanic’s garage. I tell her about how I bribed my way into a room using the pills my mom used to be on. I tell her how I lied my way into a class schedule and how I’m working myself to death but won’t have anything to show for it.
When I’m done, Kat stares at me, shock and disbelief on her face.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say. “I didn’t know if I could tell you before. But I’m so tired. I’m so sick of all this. I just want to be able to relax and know that, for once, things are going to be okay.” I drop my head onto my arms, and I feel like I’m going to dissolve into a puddle right there.
Kat puts her hand on my arm. “Raina…I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything you have to go through. And your dad… Can I ask you something?”
I nod.
“Is it because of your mother’s illness that there’s no money left? I don’t mean to be insensitive, I just want—”
“No,” I say and laugh bitterly. “I lied about that. My mom wasn’t sick. She died of a drug overdose. She started using when my dad’s beating got too much to handle, and she couldn’t leave. And my dad…he was the one who drank it all—the money for college, the money for a better life, the money for…everything.”
Kat looks more and more horrified the longer I talk, but I can’t stop myself. It’s like a dam wall broke—the wine loosened my tongue—and now it’s all crashing down around me.
When I’m done telling Kat how my dad acts and how he blackmailed me for more drinking money, she shakes her head and gulps down the rest of what’s in her wine glass.
“I can’t even begin to understand how this is possible,” she says, wiping her mouth.
“If you don’t want to hang out anymore, or study or whatever, I’ll understand,” I say. I sip my wine, feeling sorry for myself. “Just don’t turn me in, okay? Please.” I know I can trust Kat, but a small part of me is still terrified that she’ll turn on me. Everyone else in my life has—it will be on par if she does, too.
“What?” she asks. “Don’t be silly. I’m not turning you in. I don’t think it’s right to be punished for trying to better your life.”
“I don’t think anyone else will see it that way if we talk about breaking the law.”
Kat shakes her head. “You’re not hurting yourself, and you’re hiding out from your dad. Seriously, I think you’re so brave for doing what you’re doing.”
I blink at Kat. I don’t know what I expected when I started telling her my story, but it wasn’t this.
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally admit, draining my wine glass. I lift my hand for the bartender to bring another.