5
Gunnar surveyed the eating area again. Not that anything had changed. Or, more to the point, that Julie hadn’t arrived as he sat at the corner table for over an hour. He’d never ate egg casserole and pancakes so slowly. Now, he was nursing his eighth cup of coffee, trying not to be obvious that he was waiting for a brown-headed bombshell to saunter in for breakfast.
Bomb described her perfectly. A compact grenade that blew up right in front of his face, exploding his entire world into chaos. He hadn’t slept. Had lain awake all night, his mind unwilling to let go of the fact that she was under the same roof as him for the first time in seven years. All the memories he’d lived off of during the quiet moments of waiting for action, all the small moments with her he’d focused on to get through the interrogations and torture of his capture by the enemy, barreled through his mind over and over the entire night.
He had to see her again, to talk to her with more than just one syllable grunts. He should be used to waiting. Inactivity had totaled more days than action in his service to the country. Yet, sitting in the dining room, counting each second for her arrival, whittled his patience down with each click of the clock hand.
Standing with a jerk, he piled his dirty dishes, took them to the sink, and stalked out of the room. He couldn’t sit there anymore. He’d just knock on her door and ask if she wanted to join him for breakfast. Though the copious amount of coffee and food he’d already consumed practically pushed up his esophagus, he’d eat again if it meant he could visit with her.
He stopped outside her door and raised his hand to knock.
What was he doing?
She wouldn’t want to join him for coffee, not after what he’d done. That much was obvious with how quickly she had beat a retreat the night before. He lowered his hand and hung his head, guilt and pain settling across his shoulders, weighing him down.
Seeing her again had been like a shot of sunshine straight into his veins. Having her in front of him, getting a whiff of her strawberry shampoo, made him realize how all his memories were just a faded version of her. While they’d helped him stay sane in difficult times, they didn’t do her justice, not really.
He needed to see her again, even if it was to brighten his memories to sustain him for the stretch of years before him. Straightening his shoulders back, he lifted his hand and rapped two sharp knocks on the wood.
“You’re not gonna find Julie there.” The innkeeper’s voice from farther down the hall startled Gunnar.
He dropped his fist to hide the discomfort of someone sneaking up on him, shoving his hand into his pocket. “No?”
“Nope.” The older man with a thick beard and friendly eyes shifted the stack of sheets in his arms. “She checked out this morning.”
“Oh.” Disappointment sliced through him so sharply he looked down at his chest to see if he bled. “Thanks.”
“Sorry, son.” The man continued past Gunnar while he stared at the floor.
Had she left because of him? Gunnar snorted, hurt building in his chest. Of course, she left because of him. He’d been a horrible friend, throwing Julie’s trust into the raging Tanana River by not opening her letters, even if she broke their promise not to contact each other.
He didn’t deserve breakfast with her. Didn’t deserve the brief interaction he got the night before. A slap across the face? That would be justified. Punch in the gut? He deserved even more.
He’d been foolish to expect she’d join him over coffee.
Foolish and selfish.
“Hey! You eat yet?” Sunny rounded the corner, heading toward the dining area.
“Yeah.” He turned to her, not missing the way her gaze darted to Julie’s door and back with a lift of her eyebrow.
He crossed his arms. No way was he telling his sister. Sunny had only been eight when he’d left for basic, but she’d idolized Julie. Sunny’s constant shadowing any time Julie had come over to hang out had been both frustrating as her boyfriend and one reason he had loved her so much. She’d fit in, dishing out encouragement and honest affection to his family just as easily as she did to him. His leaving and her finding out Julie wouldn’t be coming around anymore had devastated Sunny.
“All righty then. I’m going to grab something to go, then we can head into town for the meeting.” Sunny stomped past, muttering under her breath about annoying, taciturn brothers.
Gunnar smirked, then stilled the motion. It was better that Julie had gone. He didn’t need the distraction. Didn’t need his attention pulled from preparing for the expedition. Lots of work had to be done in the next few days to get caught up with the rest of the team. Not having the temptation to run back to the inn to catch a glimpse of Julie was for the best. Besides, dragging up the past brought nothing but hurt to the surface.