“Selfishness. No, cowardice.” He ground out, cursing beneath his breath. “And to think all these years they comforted me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m such a fool and a jerk. I thought you’d written to tell me you missed me. That you loved me.” He huffed a humorless laugh. “I’d lie with those letters on my chest when I couldn’t sleep, imagining the words you wrote. Remembering little details of you. They were my freaking security blanket.”
Julie didn’t know what to say. Her body had gone numb with the news he hadn’t even read her letters. She couldn’t stand and walk away if she tried. Yet, that her letters, that thoughts of her, had gotten him through his difficult days had her stomach flip-flopping so violently she might throw up.
“I should’ve known that something was wrong. Should’ve known you wouldn’t contact me if it wasn’t important.” His knuckles turned white as he gripped the side of the pool. “Me and that stupid, selfish promise.”
“It wasn’t stupid. You needed to focus on your missions.” She took a deep breath, holding it until her courage filled her. “I’m… I’m glad you didn’t read them. Glad they helped you.”
“You needed me, and I failed you. Not once, but twice.”
“I lived, learned just how strong I was. Learned how to depend on myself and not others. I wouldn’t have done that if you’d been there.” She skimmed her fingers along the PJ motto, making his bicep jump. “We both had to sacrifice, but what you did, all the men and women you saved, they were worth it.”
He shook his head. As she dropped her fingers, he snagged them, rubbing his thumb along their tips. He swallowed so hard she heard it.
“You’re okay now?” Fear for her blazed in his eyes.
“Yeah. Healthy as an ox.” She smiled, wanting more than anything to ease his guilt. “Race you.”
She dived into the pool and took off for the other side. Saylor would call her an idiot, and maybe Julie was. Sure, she’d always been the peacemaker, but her cancer had proved that life was too short to hold on to hurt.