I slumped down onto the bathmat and stared at the ceiling. Grabbing my phone, I called the one person who might understand.
“Hey, Mom,” I said when she answered.
“Sweetheart. Got back okay?” she asked.
“No problem.”
“Good. It was so good to see you. I hope you come this way again soon. But we should do that little spa up in the mountains outside of Seattle.”
She wasn’t giving me an intentional guilt trip, but I felt one anyway. Just because my dad was a controlling, misogynistic prick didn’t mean my mom deserved to be lumped in with him. Especially if I might be heading their way.
Except I couldn’t tell her I was doing that. Because I wasn’t sure what I was doing, and I didn’t want to get her hopes up. All I knew was that I needed to get the hell out of Sparks before I started showing–or everyone caught on to why I was vomiting all the time. It was cruel to tell my mom I was going to move to San Diego when I might not.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to visit longer,” I replied. It was the truth. I missed her.
“You have an important job.”
It was important to me. It wasn’t like I was serving my country any longer like my brothers and father.
“What about you, Mom?” I wondered.
“What about me?”
“You wanted to be a scientist–you were working on your degree when you met Dad. That’s an important job.”
She sighed. “I did. You’re right. But dreams change.”
“You stopped wanting to be one?”
“No. I loved studying science in college. If I hadn’t had Trent, maybe I’d have gone into it. But it still would have been hard.”
“How so?”
“We moved a lot, as you’re well aware. It’s hard for a Navy spouse to have a consistent job when you’re relocated all the time.”
“Scientists are needed everywhere. I think.”
I knew nothing about it other than the wordscientistwas a pretty broad term.
“I had Trent. Then Thomas. Then Bradley. Then you.”
“I’m sorry we got in the way of your dreams.” I turned on my side, my cheek on the soft bath mat. My legs pressed into the cool tile, and it felt good.
“No, I didn’t walk away from a career, sweetheart. You kidsweremy career.”
“That was enough? Don’t you regret not excelling at something?”
“I raised a rear admiral, a commander, a captain and a lieutenant in the Navy. Three led others, and one became a pilot. I’d say I excelled at something.”
I heard the bitterness in her words. I’d insulted her. I never thought about it from her perspective before, but shehadmade us what we are. Or at least got us to adulthood, and we’d used the foundation she made to be successful people.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just–I don’t know what I’m asking.”
“Do I wish I had a career outside of my family?”
I played with the fringe on the rug. “I guess.”
“Not for a minute. You played volleyball in high school. Do you regret not keeping up with that?”