“To us, it’s not a fling. Or casual fun. Or whatever you’re calling it today,” Grayson said.
What else could it be?
Jax moved closer to me, lightly grasped my fingers, and pulled my arms down. He didn’t let go of my hands as he met my gaze. “I’ve been attracted to you for a long time. Both of us have. We’re not using you. You’re not a side dish.” He sounded sincere. But once, a long time ago, I’d fallen prey to his false adoration.
I pulled my hands away and shoved them in my pockets. “What aboutbeing discreet?”
“We didn’t plan that morning any more than you did,” Grayson said. “We’d talked about you before, we talk about you a lot, and what you are in our life is too important to toss away oncasual fun.”
I was really starting to hate that phrase. “So we’re on the same page.” There was no relief in the realization.
“We’re really not.” Jax reached for me again, flexed his fingers, then dropped his hand. “We’re not telling you it’s over. We—Grayson and I—want to see where thing go with you. As in, dating. A relationship. The kind of thing we don’t keep a secret.”
“But the two of you are already dating.” I wasn’t dim. I understood polyamory, loving more than one person, but it wasn’t for me. I’d tumbled down that path mentally several times, trying out the weight, seeing if I could do what Jax and Grayson did by letting other people into their lives.
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to share my happily ever after. I wanted the one guy, the one dress, the one wedding... the one ring. That last one should have made me laugh at my own wit, but I was hung up on other things.
Grayson sank onto the edge of the couch. “We are. And we want to see where things go when you’re part of that.”
“Things don’tgoanywhere. You’re already together.” I’d already said that once. I didn’t want to repeat myself. “It’s not like I’m going to pick one of you and break you up. I couldn’t if I wanted to, and that’s the last thing I want. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the sex and the attention, but I’m not... That’s not a long-term relationship kind of thing.”
“It’s absolutely something people do long term.” Grayson studied me with those dark eyes I normally wanted to fall into, but today made me turn away with uncertainty.
This wasn’t supposed to be so difficult. I expected pain, but not for them to argue with me. Why were they doing this? “Other people. Not me.”
“What did you think we were doing?” Jax’s scowl was back.
At least that was something I knew how to deal with. It was a hint to summon my emotional armor and close him off from anything I felt. But the wall I put up cracked. “Not every hookup ends in a relationship. I was having fun. I got the impression both of you were as well.”
“So we’re back on that.Casual fun.” Jax spat the words out with frustration.
Something we agreed on. “I feel like you’re not hearing me.”
“That makes three of us,” Grayson said.
“It’s not...” Frustration bubbled up in my chest and pricked the inside of my eyelids. “I’m trying to be clear and plain about this. I don’t expect that every guy I date is someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. That doesn’t make the time with them any less enjoyable.”
“We’re already spending most of our lives together.” Jax took a seat, but not next to Grayson.
That should be better. It didn’t give the impression of them standing against me. But now I was on trial, with them judging me because I wanted something different from my future than they saw. “Because we’re friends. I’m not planning on pledging my love—not the way you’re talking about—to Lyn or Anne either.”
“But have you slept with them?” Jax asked.
I glared. What the fuck kind of question was that?
“You’re not even willing to consider this.” Grayson’s tone had shifted to an irritation that I never heard from him. “In that case, doesn’t that make us the fuck dolls? You had your fun, you got to be naughty, and now you’re done and move on?”
Fuck dolls. Horrible phrase. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“We’re trying to understand.” Grayson spoke through clenched teeth.
“So am I. I don’t see why you think this is going to work when I’m telling you it’s not for me.”
“What did you think was going to happen?” Jax’s question bled accusation. “Or didn’t you? Did you approach us like everything else in your life, diving in without thought, and enjoying what happens now, fuck the consequences?”
The bitterness in his words felt like a slap, and I fumbled for a response. He saw me that way?