“I do,” I whisper to the mirror. I practice it, fitting my lips around the words. They feel foreign, more clumsy than when I try to speak Spanish to impress Lennox.
I can’t talk to him about it, obviously. And maybe that’s a problem. Shouldn’t I be able to talk to my husband about anything? Shouldn’t I trust him to be able to handle it?
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, though. He’s so sensitive, so moody. By now I know it’s part of his artist nature, that it won’t change. We’ve lived together for a year, and I know I can handle a lifetime with him if that’s the worst I have to deal with.
But is it?
Valeria might know. She might be straight with me if I come right out and ask. He’s her son, after all. She must know things about him that could put my mind at ease.
She’s the only person I see besides Lennox and my coworkers. Maybe it would help repair things. Reaching out to her could be the first step toward rebuilding the bridge we burned that night on her lawn, one year ago this month.
Now that she’s speaking to us again, I could ask, even though we’re not close. Until recently, she refused to take our calls. Lennox tried reaching out a few times, but she never responded. For eight long months, there was nothing between us but the ring of silence.
Eight months that Maddox spent behind bars.
I shove the thought away and pick up my veil, nestling it into my chestnut hair. Even though brides don’t usually cover their faces anymore, I pull it forward and hide mine. Maybe that will make it easier to hide my fear.
What if he comes to the wedding?
My heart does a funny little lurch at the thought. But that’s stupid. He’s not coming to see me marry his brother. He hates us both. He hasn’t spoken to us once since he’s been home. I only know he’s out because Valeria told us, and once, I ran into Scarlet at Hastings. She made a big deal of gloating about how she stuck with him through the eight months where he was in jail, and now they’re madly in love.
I imagined reaching for the nearest shelf, pulling open thePulp Fictioncase, snapping the disc in half, and slicing her jugular with it.
A car pulls up outside, and I hear the door slam. I don’t move from in front of the mirror, where I stand shrouded like something that belongs in a funeral. No one comes to visit me, anyway. When we left Mill, we left in shame. We’d ratted out one of the Crows, after all.
Lennox said he’d been thinking about leaving that life altogether, going clean when he started school. He felt like he’d outgrown the gang. But after that, it was too dangerous. We needed protection in case anyone retaliated, and the Crossbones provided it. They were more than happy to absorb a smart guy with vision into their ranks when they split from the Skulls.
Unlike me, Lennox has lots of friends now. Members of the Crossbones come and go from the house all the time. He’s only one year into college, but he’s already an important member. They consult him about things all the time. He says it’s just business, but he hangs out with them so much I know they’re more than that. They’re friends, sometimes lovers.
I run my hands down my sides, sucking in my flat stomach. I imagine his hands on me tomorrow night. A warm tremor of excitement and nerves goes through me. He barely touches me anymore. He said he didn’t want to scare me like he did at the quarry that night, that he wants me to know he loves me for who I am and that he thinks of me differently than the girls who came before—and after—our engagement.
I told him months ago that he’d proved himself, that I’d rather have him in my bed than all the flowers and promises in the world. That’s when he finally broke down and told me he couldn’t touch me without thinking about his brother being there first. I swore we didn’t have sex, but I could tell he didn’t believe me. He said it wasn’t me, that he’d never been able to look at Maddox’s conquests as options, but this time, I didn’t believe him. I know it’s me.
I know, because I know what it’s like to look at someone and see the worst thing they’ve ever done. To feel the hurt and betrayal fresh every time you think of them fucking someone else.
I swallow hard, blinking back the ache behind my eyes. I tried to prove myself in every way after that conversation, even asked if Lennox wanted to break off the engagement. He insisted he wanted to marry me more than anything, that he loves me, even if he doesn’t lust after me. He says the wedding will be a fresh start, and everything will be different once we’re married.
I believe him.
I have to.
Tomorrow, I’ll have everything I ever dreamed of. My forever someone. He promised that after the wedding, there would be no more crew girls. He’ll be all mine.
Goosebumps rise on my arms, and I tell myself it’s just from the argument I can hear downstairs, something about a contract. I turn up the music to drown it out. The Crossbones might be friends, but they’re also dangerous. I’ve spent countless nights lying awake, waiting for him to come home. Praying he’s with a crew girl and not in a ditch somewhere.
Because without him, where would I be? What would I have left?
I would have exactly one thing—a job. We’re saving up so I can go to school, but with Lennox in school full time, it’s hard enough to keep up with the bills, let alone put money aside. So I don’t have school. I don’t have family. I don’t have friends. All I have is him.
That’s normal though, right? All Valeria has is a job and her kids. All my mother has is a husband. That’s how life works when you grow up. You leave behind childhood things, childhood friends, just like I did when I moved to Faulkner and again when we moved to college. I haven’t seen anyone from Mill Street since we left that night, but Lennox says the Murder of Crows members and everyone in that area who was affiliated were absorbed into the Skulls with the chaos that ensued after Maddox’s arrest. That means Billy, and by association Lexi, took Maddox’s side.
Which blows, if I’m honest. I know Lennox is enough, and I’d never want him to think otherwise. But he’s gone a lot, and I could really use someone’s advice, a night away, or just a drive through the winding roads on the north side of town with the windows down and the music blaring.
I hear a few thuds, and I freeze. They’re fighting. In a panic, I can’t decide if I should go down, or if that would just distract Lennox and put him in more danger. After a minute, it’s over, and I sink in relief. Footsteps thud on the stairs of our townhouse, and I freeze, praying Lennox sent them home, and he’s coming to reassure me he’s fine. I only remember he’s not supposed to see me in my wedding dress when the door opens.
“Wait,” I cry, turning my back. “You can’t see me in my dress before the wedding! It’s bad luck.”
Bad luck, like a solitary crow.