His words make the tears flow faster, and it’s a bittersweet relief. I didn’t cry for a long time after Mum passed, too terrified to even think about what had happened. Then, that night, when Ash made me recount it all in detail, it was like a dam had been broken inside me as I was able to start my mourning of her.
Now I’m glad to cry, even though it hurts, because it shows that I’m not too scared. We travel the rest of the way like that, Loki holding my face to his, and gently kissing away the steady stream of tears that fall down my cheeks. Jax rubs my back in soothing circles, Ash and Kai leaning forward to take a hand each, surrounding me in their love and support as I quietly cry.
“Hey,” Jax says from my other side, his hand stilling in its movements. “We’re there, Baby Girl.” His voice sounds gruff, and I look over my shoulder, Loki releasing my face, to see his own eyes glistening. “We all hurt when you do,” he tells me simply, and I turn, letting go of the others’ hands to cup his face in my palms and place a gentle kiss on his lips.
Ash and Kai get out first, then Loki, leaving just Jax and I in the car. My heart rate picks up as the moment draws closer, the moment when I will have to face what happened.
“I’m scared, Jax,” I whisper, pulling back and looking at him with wide eyes, my hands moving to grasp his own.
“I know, Baby Girl,” he responds, a frown drawing his brows together. “But we’re all here for you, and we’re not going anywhere. Nothing bad will happen to you,” he assures me.
His words calm me a little, enough that I can take a deep inhale and nod. He flashes me a minute smile. “That’s my girl,” he praises, keeping hold of my hand as he gets out, then helping me to exit the car.
I see Lexi and Ryan, holding a bunch of flowers each, waiting near the ornate black cast iron gates to the beautiful cemetery.
“Hey, Lilly Bear,” Lex greets me softly, and I let go of Jax to give her a hug, then do the same with Ryan. His jaw is clenched tightly, and deep lines are etched on his forehead.
“You doing okay, big guy?” I ask him, my own brows dipping in concern for him. Mum’s death wasn’t just hard on me. Ryan was practically her husband in all but name. They loved each other deeply.
He gives me a tight smile in response. “I’ll be fine, little one,” he reassures me, giving my hand a brief squeeze.
“Shall we?” Ash asks, and I notice that each of the guys holds a huge bouquet filled with different coloured lilies, Mum’s favourites. A lump forms in my throat as I step towards Ash’s outstretched hand.
“How did you know they were her favourites?” I ask, my voice a little wobbly.
He gives me one of his Ash-hole looks, raising an eyebrow. Right, I am named after her favourite flower after all. He kisses the top of my head, then leads the way through the gates and along the winding paths of the cemetery.
We’re surrounded on all sides by gravestones, monuments, and beautiful statues, with bare trees dotted here and there. We’ve lucked out on the weather again today; it’s chilly but sunny. Turning off down a more narrow path, we come to a stop underneath an oak sapling with a simply carved headstone in front of it.
Laura Darling
Beloved mother and sister
18th September 1980 - 21st January 2025
The ground surrounding the grave looks freshly cleared, only a few dead leaves litter the space, with nothing but neatly clipped turf covering the site. Glancing around, frowning, I see that the surrounding graves are not as well kept as Mum’s.
“We came here yesterday to tidy it up a little.” Ash’s ginger scent washes over me as he leans down to speak. “Apparently, wild violets grow here in the spring,” he tells me.
I squeeze his hand in silent thanks, letting go when he passes me his bunch of flowers. They’re simply tied with natural string, no cellophane, and I step forward to place them on the grass, a tremor in my hands.
“Hi, Mum,” I whisper, tears springing to my eyes again as they trace the simple lettering carved into her headstone.
And then it hits me. I’ll never be able to tell her about the guys, about how wonderful they are, and the fact that they’re helping me to heal. She'll never meet any children I may have one day, never hold her grandchildren in her arms and sing them lullabies like she did to me as a child. We’ll never dance to awful eighties pop songs on the radio, never make another Christmas cake together. I’ll never be able to tell her how sorry I am about that stupid argument. Never tell her how much I love her.
I don’t realise that I’ve collapsed, my nails digging into the turf, sobbing as my heart breaks for all the things I’ll never get to do with her again until strong arms wrap around me, lifting me and turning me round so that I can bury my face into a ginger scented cashmere covered chest.
I fist the soft material, tears tracking down my cheeks and soaking into his no doubt stupidly expensive coat. He just holds me, his arms banded tightly around me, keeping my pieces together whilst I fall apart under the winter sun.
Some moments later, I lift my tearstained face towards the sky, closing my eyes and letting the sun dry my cheeks. Taking what feels like the biggest breath I’ve taken all year, I look back down and find Ash’s steel eyes on my own.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice cracking slightly.
“Of course,” he says back.
Looking to the side, I’m met by Jax’s piercing blue gaze. I give him a watery smile.
“Thank you, Jax,” I tell him, wetting my dry lips.