What the fuck happened in the past two weeks?
“Shit, I’m sorry if I scared you,” he says gruffly, dropping the shredded napkin and clawing through his hair.
I shake my head in disbelief.
“You have nothing to apologise for, Kai,” I say, trying to assure him, but he doesn’t bother to look at me. “Kai, you’re scaring me now. What happened?” I murmur, swallowing thickly.
Ash and Loki have gone quiet, Loki still grasping my arm and taking a step closer as if he doesn’t trust his friend, but I don’t pay him any attention. I’ve only eyes for the man who looks so broken before me.
He sighs again, and when he looks up at me, his eyes are a maelstrom of swirling emotion, it’s hard to pinpoint them all. There’s an aching sadness, anger, and his lip curls up a little as if in self-loathing.
“Nothing, darling,” he tells me after a deep breath. “I just hate going backhome,” he spits the word as if it’s poison on his tongue.
I know that he’s not telling me the whole truth, that there’s more going on here. My heart pounds with the knowledge.
“I’ve got some work to do,” he tells us in a monotone voice, before getting up, and walking off into the depths of the yacht.
Something is terribly wrong.
* * *
KAI
Fuck!
The flash of pain in Lilly’s hazel eyes haunts and excites me in equal measure. That’s how I know I’m broken, beyond repair. The fact that inflicting pain on her gives me a semi, even when we’re not in a sexual situation, when she’s not enjoying it tells me all I need to know about how fucked up I truly am.
How can she ever love someone as terrible as me?
I stalk off, heart pounding and limbs shaking. I don’t see my surroundings as I try to outrun the demons that always rear their heads after I’ve been home for any length of time.
Home, what a fucking joke. It’s not been a home since the night my parents were placed into the ground when I was ten years old.
Sounds from the past try to push their way to the surface; the muffled cries of a child, the comforting touch that turned unwelcome.
I shake my head, my hands reaching up to cover my ears, as I begin to pick up my pace, coming to an abrupt halt at the railings surrounding the deck. Looking down, the churn of the dark water below soothes my erratic thoughts, hypnotizing me and calling to me like a siren song.
Briefly, I wonder what it would be like to let the waves take me into their watery embrace, thoughts of sinking to the depths swirling in my mind.
Would the sea be cold, or warm? Would it hurt? Or would it be a blessed relief from this torture, this crippling shame that I’ve lived with since that night?
I come to with a ragged gasping breath, my knuckles white on the top rail, and my upper body leaning precariously over the edge.
Taking another deep inhale, I can feel the salty spray hit my face and burn my lungs. I can’t let him win.
I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve done my research. I know that keeping this secret, even from my best friends, my brothers, isn't healthy. But how can I tell them the darkest shame of my life? I know that the part of me that believes it was my fault, that I deserved it, that I must have wanted it, is full of shit. That I shouldn’t feel so worthless.
But knowing something in theory, and believing it are two very different things.
My head drops into my hands, suddenly feeling far too heavy to hold up.
I can feel myself unraveling at the edges, the darkness threatening to overtake for good.
And there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
CHAPTERFOUR
LILLY