Chapter 15
The airin the room was heavy with heat, sunlight pouring in, filling every crevice in the space with its blistering temperature. The sheets were thrown from my body and I lay, awkwardly, half on the bed, half off, with my left hand and foot grazing the floor. I groaned, rolling over to face the ceiling, the muscles in my legs and back cracking with every movement. It was then that I realized that I was alone inbed.
Sitting up, I scanned the room. His clothes were gone, except for his jacket that was slung over the back of the chair stationed in the corner of my bedroom. The window was shut, though the blinds were still pulled up. If he left the way he came, it would have been difficult for him to lower them on the other side, but at least he had closed the window. During the night, I hadn’t minded the warm air so much. Now, I could practically feel myselfbaking.
I leapt from the bed and hurried over to lower the blinds. Though the room dimmed, it did so only marginally. To me, the room looked used. Not lived-in-used, but tired, chipped chair in the corner, sagging mattress – I didn’t know how Marv had stood to sleep on it when I was sure he had a much nicer bed at home – and even the old leaning dresser, with more scars than any functional dresser should have. There was still a small heart in the lower portion of the front left leg that I had carved when I wastwelve.
I sighed, reaching up to pull my hair away from my neck and twist it up into a bun to let my skin breathe. As was becoming habit, I went through my phone and let my thoughts consume me. Time: 9:43 am. When had Marv left? It felt weird not being in school. I hadn’t replied to any of the messages from last night, but there was a new one fromKnix.
Knix:Pick you up at11.
I sighed and put the phone down before stretching again, popping even more tired muscles. The house hadn’t been thoroughly cleaned since before I got the job at Alex’s Diner and it was in sore neglect. I began by picking up my room, throwing dirty clothes into the washer, and then the dryer. Hunting through the house, I listened to the soft movements of our neighbors on the other side of the wall. They were loudest in the hallway right outside of my mom’s bedroom door and I hoped they wouldn’t wake her. She was finally sleepingpeacefully.
It was odd not being around the guys. As I swept and mopped, there was a sense of disconnect inside of me, like I was back in my life before I met the boys. Every time I worried that they might have just been a really sweet dream, I rushed back to my bedroom to hold my phone before sliding it between my mattress and box spring along with its charger. I was determined to keep it hidden in case my mom got up and came snoopingaround.
I checked the old, mini-cereal box for the extra cash I had stored, noting that it was still almost full. I would have to ask one of the guys if they could take me to set up a bank account. A couple hundred dollars wasn’t much, but now that rent was a relieved burden – at least temporarily, thanks to a very generous Marv – I could start saving. For what, I didn’t know. It was strange having extra. I’d never had that before. If I hadn’t gone to the party with Marv the night before, it would have felt too much like charity, but as it was, I felt closer to them, a part of their team, like I was really working for something bigger than money tolive.
“Harlow?” My mom’s voice came from behind me as I straightened the living room and I turned to greether.
Her nightgown was pale and thin in many places. There were splotches of purple on the back of her right hand as she held it to her throat, overshadowing the age spots beneath. Her thin gray hair was left loose around her face, falling over one side as her dazed eyes bounced around the room before landing onme.
“Hey, Mom, how are you feeling?” I finished throwing some old newspapers from the coffee table into the trash as I faced her. “Can I get you something toeat?”
“Yes… I think that would be nice…” she said. She trailed after me as I strode to the kitchen and flicked on the florescent bulbs overhead. They heated and buzzed as I searched the fridge for something suitable. Spotting a few old, leftover containers from the week before, I decided to pour them out and see if there was soup in the cabinet. I sifted old chunks of meat and vegetables into the garbage disposal. One flick to turn it on and I realized my mistake. I quickly turned it off when the grinding sound hit my ears – still broken from the destruction of my last phone. “What’s wrong with thedisposal?”
I turned my head, my eyes wide. Did she not remember? “Um…” I finished throwing the leftovers away by hand before washing up. “It’s broken,” Ihedged.
“Hmm,” she replied, sitting at the dilapidated kitchen table. “Well, this house is old. Most things are bound to break every now and then.” I didn’t say anything as I opened a can of chicken noodle soup and heated it in the microwave. When I retrieved it the time flashed, 10:35. Knix would be here soon. I wasn’t even dressed yet. I placed the bowl in front of my mom, and kissed her head before rushing to my room to clean up and dress. I returned in another pair of jean shorts and a t-shirt that covered my butt pockets where I had placed myphone.
“Why aren’t you in school?” She ladled soup into her mouth, watching me withcuriosity.
“Um…it’s a half day for seniors,” I lied, wiping down the counter. “A friend’s coming by to take me around 11 am.” The idea came to me when I realized that she would be curious as to why I was going to school so late in the day and why the bus wouldn’t be picking me up. She didn’t seem to care, and just continued to sip hersoup.
The seconds crawled by in awkward silence. We were two people who lived together, but we so rarely saw each other that it was difficult to make small talk. She left the house only for doctor’s appointments and emergencies. What was there for us to talk about aside from her illness? She seemed to be doing so well now that I didn’t want to remindher.
“I’ve been thinking,” Mom started, drawing my attention. “This house is getting a bit older and things are breaking down.” She slid a glance at the disposal. “Maybe it’s time to moveon.”
“Moveon?”
“Yes…I’ve got some savings and with my disability check maybe I can get into a nursing home or just resign myself to staying in a hospital.” She finished the rest of her soup and pushed it away. I retrieved it and rinsed it in the sink,thinking.
“Mom, I don’t know if we could afford that, even with your savings.” Her feet on the linoleum of the kitchen floor were quiet as she stood from the table behindme.
“Baby.” She sniffled and I slowly turned to face her. Her eyes glistened. “I know, and you know, I’m not going to get any better. This will be the best thing foryou.”
It became clear. “You’ve already started something,” I said. I wassurprised.
She nodded. “When I went to the doctor last, I talked to him and he agreed. I should probably have 24/7 care, hesays.”
I knew she was right. I had known for a while, but I wanted to be that 24/7 care for her. I didn’t want some nurse who didn’t know her, didn’t care about her. I couldn’t stomach the image of her lying in hospital beds for the rest of her life. My throat rebelled. I was incapable of a response. I couldn’t be here for her. Even if I stopped going with the guys, I would have to pick back up at work, perhaps a second job to compensate for all I had missed in the last week or so. My hands shook and I sank into the chair across from her vacatedone.
“I know you worry, Sweetheart.” Her cold fingers brushed the side of my face, trailing from my temple to my chin as she flipped her hand over and rubbed the back of it against my cheek. She was so thin her fingers were nothing but skin and bone. “But you’ll be able to move out of here. Maybe go tocollege.”
I was shaking so hard, my whole body panicked at the idea of losing her. If she went into a hospital, that was it, I thought. She wouldn’t come out alive. My throat expanded until words weren’t the only thing that couldn’t pass through. I couldn’t breathe. I held myself still, trying to inhale through my nose, but it wasn’t working. She was still talking, her mouth moving. It was the first time in a long time that I had seen her so animated, and I couldn’t hear a damn word. The phone in my back pocket vibrated; probably Knix telling me he was here. Mom’s hand touched mine and I stared at the purple splotch of color against her paleness. It was another bruise. They had been the first sign of herillness.
“It’ll be okay, Baby. It’s gonna work out, you’ll see.” She kissed my forehead. “I’m tired, so I’ll go lay down for a nap.” She shuffled forward, heading towards the living room. “I’ll see you when you get home, Baby. I loveyou.”
“I love you too…” I heard myself say as she disappeared around the corner. The phone buzzed again, but I was too numb to feel it. My arms tingled and I could feel my face turning cold. I still wasn’t breathing. How many seconds had gone by since I had stopped? It felt likehours.