I opened my mouth and a squeak escaped as I tried to force my lungs to take in air. Cool oxygen rushed in and my vision blurred. The table was hard and cool on my skin as I leaned down and pressed my forehead to the rough surface. Hospital rooms. Nursing homes.Inhale.IVs. Hospital gowns. Medical bills.Exhale.The smell of disinfectant. Phone calls from nurses. Funeral homes.Don’t throwup.
Even when my phone vibrated with impatience a third time, I didn’t retrieve it. I didn’t look at the messages. I just stood up and put one foot in front of the other until I was in the front hall. I stepped out onto the hot sidewalk, seeing the big, black SUV waiting just a little down the road when I realized I wasn’t wearing shoes. I went back inside and stared at the laces of my sneakers for several moments before slipping into flipflops.
Knix met me at the front of the SUV, walking around to open my door. I got in the car and blinked at the windshield. He said something and I nodded in acknowledgement, though I didn’t actually hear a word. He closed the door and quickly got in on the driver’sside.
“Little Bit?” I frowned. Knix sounded farther away than I expected. I swiveled my head. No, he was right next to me. Was I still breathing? Yes. Why did it feel like the SUV was caving in on me? Like my chest was squeezing in enough oxygen to keep me upright and conscious, but every other piece of me, body and soul, was sucked dry of life. My heart beat slow, sluggish, almost nonexistent. I drifted. “–low?Harlow?!”
I blinked when Knix’s hands gripped my shoulders. He had pulled over to the side of the road, his face covered in concern. He shook me slightly, staring at me with wide, panicked eyes. “Harlow, what’swrong?”
My shoulders shook. My heart rate picked up. Every bird, every car that passed, every slight wind was too much, too loud. My hands trembled as I grabbed onto his arms, holding on as though I might tumble away. I opened my mouth to tell him, but a sob poured from my chest and then another and another. My cheeks were soaked in my horrible realizations and everything that made life so unbearablycruel.
“Little Bit.” Knix hauled me across the seat into his lap. His massive hand stroked my hair as I sobbed against his chest, the sounds shaking me so hard, and he just held meclose.
“It isn’t fair!” I screamed. “It’s not fair!” The stain of tears on his shirt grew bigger and bigger the longer he held me, but he didn’t flinch. Knix crushed me to his chest, his cheek on my head, his breath stirring through my hair. It hurt less that way. I didn’t feel soalone.
* * *
“Come on, lie here.”Knix led me into a room that smelled like sandalwood. The floor shined beneath the dark-burgundy throw carpet. There was a double bed shoved against the wall between a table littered with tools and a nightstand. I sat on the bed instead of lying down. If I laid down, it would be too hard to get backup.
Knix pulled a folding chair from his closet, placed it a foot or so from the bed and sat directly in front of me, his hands reaching for mine. His fingers engulfed mine, his thumbs rubbing along my knuckles to soothe me. My eyes found the floor and stayed there. I was embarrassed by how hard I had cried in the car. It was only when I had finally gotten over the worst of it that he had set me in my seat, buckled me in, and drove to thecomplex.
“Little Bit…” I shivered under his gaze, flicking up across his face only to search out the details of his room instead. The walls were bare other than a few architectural designs tacked in different places, blueprints as well. His closet had a sliding mirror and I skipped over the horror of how I looked. Puffy splotches of red marks on my cheeks and eyes swollen from the tears. I sniffed hard and took my hands from Knix to press them to myface.
I covered my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said through myfingers.
“For what, Little Bit?” Knix’s warm hands came to my cheeks, drawing my hands away. The scent of sandalwood was on him too, all overhim.
“For…you know.” I kept my eyesclosed.
His breath fanned across my face. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Warm lips pressed to my forehead, surprising me. My eyes popped open. His chin lingered in front of my eyes as he kept his lips pressed to my skin for a few moments more. “Tell me whathappened.”
The command in his tone was gentle, but no less authoritative. Powerful. I found my lips opening and words spilling forth. “My mom’s dying,” I said, pausing for his reaction. He drew away from me, his blue eyes finding mine and holding. I continued. “She wants to move out of the duplex and go stay in a nursing home or at the hospital. Apparently, her last visit to the doctors didn’t go well. She thinks it will be pointless to stay when she thinks she’s going to end up there anyway.” I looked at him, begging him to help me, to guide me. I needed someone to tell me what to do, how to handle this. Would we be able to afford it? Would I be able tocope?
Knix took a breath. His fingers brushed aside a lock of hair that had fallen across my face. “What worriesyou?”
“I-I,” I stammered. “She’s really sick. A tumor, and she has um…some other problems.” Bipolar disorder wasn’t life threatening. I stumbled through an explanation of her trips to the doctor’s, and the medications, and her mood swings. When I had nothing more to offer, he sighed and stood, scooting me over on the bed to sit next to me rather than in front of me. He leaned against the wall and pulled me to sit between his legs, my back to hisfront.
“You’re scared,” he said. “She’s the only family you have and she’s all youknow.”
“I have Michael,” I reminded him. “Mybrother.”
“Ah, but you never really see him. When was the last time you twotalked?”
“Just before I metyou.”
He nodded, expectant. “And when was the last time you saw him inperson?”
“Not since he moved out,” I admitted. “We’ve been alone sincethen.”
“You are not alone, Little Bit.” His lips pressed to my temple. “If she needs to be taken care of, we will see toit.”
I broke his hold and turned. “What do youmean?”
His blue eyes glittered. “If doctors can’t help her, then we will make sure that she iscomfortable.”
“But…” They didn’t know her, had never even met her. “Why?”
“Because she’s your family.” His fingers touched my neck, trailing down to settle on my shoulder. “And you are family to us – or we hope you willbe.”