But what does that mean? What does any of it mean?
My biggest worry is that this is going to put a wedge between Hazel and I. What if now that she’s had a taste of something else, she realizes that she’s bored with me?
I think about the ring box sitting in my suitcase and feel a pit in my stomach. I’d planned to make a deeper commitment to her on this trip, and now instead…I didn’t know what to think.
I still wanted her to be my wife, of that much, I was a hundred percent certain. But could I really still pop the question after last night?
And then…what happens with Chip? He’d made it pretty clear that he doesn’t really do relationships, but I have to admit, I don’t have a ton of experience in the one-night-stand arena. And the idea of sharing something as massive as this and then just walking away seems impossible.
And if I’m being honest with myself, the idea of walking away and never seeing him again puts a pit in my stomach and an ache in my chest. I don’t get it, I’ve only known the guy a few days, but part of me feels like I’ve known him forever.
I don’t know what to think, how to feel, and while it doesn’t feel like it, I wonder if last night was a mistake.
Chapter Fifteen
Hazel
I don’t think I was fully convinced that the threesome actually happened until I got out of bed this morning and felt the soreness lingering in my body. Up until that point, part of me was still sure that the whole thing had just been a dream.
But now, as I’m standing under the warm spray of the shower, I’m running through very real memories of the night before.
Last night had, without a doubt, been one of the best nights of my life. I’d felt so…whole. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, other than a sense of completeness, like I was right where I was always meant to be.
But at the same time, there were a whole host of other feelings running through me that I was still processing. Part of me felt a little guilty, almost ashamed, that I’d slept with another man while I was in my happy, committed relationship.
Yeah, Brendon had been there, watching, his unspoken approval crystal clear, but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel odd, like I did something wrong.
What if he saw me differently now? I was worried that this was going to change things between us.
But I keep reminding myself that we’d all been involved, that this was a decision we’d all made together as consenting adults, and I remember what Chip had said about imposing unnecessary rules on ourselves.
I’m hung up on the whole idea of faithfulness being two people solely focused on each other, but hell, the owners of the resort are proof that that’s not really the case.
Not that I’m necessarily expecting last night to turn into that. A threesome is one thing, a three-way relationship is something else entirely. And even if that were something I wanted, I wouldn’t have any idea how to go about broaching that subject with the guys.
Especially Brendon. I can’t think of a way to bring up the topic without making it sound like he’s not enough for me or something, and that’s not the case.
Brendon is my soulmate. I love him more than my own life, he’s a massive, irreplaceable piece of my heart. But even so, I can’t deny the growing feelings for Chip creeping up on me, and I’m not sure what I can do with them.
Even if I did want to bring it up, to propose dating both of them, how could we possibly make it work? For one thing, Chip’s said he doesn’t do relationships anyway, so he’d probably shoot us down flat. And for another, in five more days, we’ll be back in New York, and Chip will still be here.
And somehow, I don’t see us managing to pull off a long distance throuple.
I sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face. Whatever happens next, I just hope we haven’t cause irreparable damage.
I turn the water off and reach for a towel. I dry myself off and tuck the towel around my chest. I go to look in the mirror, but it’s fogged over, so I wipe off the layer of moisture from the surface to reveal my reflection.
Fortunately, the tangle going on inside my head isn’t showing in my face. I look a little tried, but otherwise, I’ve got the poker face on lock.
I head out into the room and see that while Brendon’s still in bed, he’s awake, staring at the ceiling. He’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t seem to register my presence until I sit down on the bed next to him. But then, he snaps out of it and looks over at me. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“You sleep okay?”
“Yeah, how about you?” I ask.
He nods, and for a moment, a slightly awkward silence falls over us. “So…last night,” I say finally.