Tonight is prom, and he really wanted things to be special. He rented a room at a hotel just a few towns from Shallow Lake so we could be alone. I should be excited to have this alone time with him. To be intimate with him again. But I feel like a knot that's fallen loose over time, and I only have one more tug before I fall apart.
"Knock, knock." My door opens, my mom peeking around with a soft smile on her face. "Oh, Luna, you look lovely. Look at how beautiful that dress is." Her eyes start to water, and my eyes drop back to the quilt, not able to take any sort of emotion from anyone else. I’ll fall apart. Completely.
I only have enough strength to deal with myself. And even with me, I'm barely hanging on.
"What's the matter, Luna?" She walks up to me, sitting next to me on the edge of my bed and tucking my curly hair behind my ear. Her fingers are warm as they graze my temple. She smells so warm, so comforting. Like the garden outside and a hint of a joint. I want to curl into her, burrow underneath her skin and beg for her to take the pain away.
I shrug, my throat growing tight with emotion. I don't want to cry, because I just spent the last hour perfecting my makeup. I made sure all my cries were out beforehand, but ever since I did the last swipe of mascara, my sadness has hit tenfold.
"Tell me," she urges, her fingers dropping to my bicep and giving me a small squeeze.
"I just don't want him to go," I choke out, tipping my head toward the ceiling and blinking rapidly. "I don't know how to do this without him."
She lets out a breath, a heavy sigh that I feel deep in my bones. I'm dead tired with exhaustion. It's like Roman was the piece that put me together. He made me motivated. He made me feel alive. Now that he's leaving, he's taking my life with him. I don't want to dance. I don't want to eat. I barely want to function. All I want to do is sleep and cry.
How will I survive this way for an entire year?
"He's not gone forever, Luna. It'll be a year and then you guys will figure it out. You should focus on what's important. What's right in front of you. You haven't worked this hard in ballet for nothing. You should put all this sadness into dance. Work it out with your moves. You're getting into Julliard one way or another, but take this time to really focus on your own dreams. Doing what you love."
Do I really love it, though?
It feels like Roman is my muse. Because I suddenly don't know if dance is what really tics in the center of my heart. Without him, my drive and motivation are just… depleted.
"It's just hard." I pull at the tulle of my gown, feeling silly crying like a baby in a princess dress.
"I know it is, baby. But time will fly, and then you'll look back and wonder why you were so sad in the first place. But right now isn't the time for this. Nora and Roman and some strange guy are outside waiting for you." She squeezes me into a hug, bringing her mouth to my ear and whispering, "Roman got a limo."
My eyes widen as I turn to look at her. "Are you serious?"
"Serious as your dad in the morning without his coffee. Let's go outside and take some pictures so you guys can go have fun tonight. Enough with the sad talk. We'll worry about that tomorrow once he's gone."
I nod, and my mom stands up, pulling me with her. She grips my fingers, pressing on my knuckles in reassurance. I feel like I’m in a fairy tale as the dress poufs around me, my white heels the final touch.
I walk out of my room, my heels clacking on the floor as I make my way out of the house. Nora and her date, Corman, are nowhere in sight. The only one I see is Roman as he stands up against the passenger-side door, his arms folded across his chest as he looks at the ground.
His look is exactly how I feel.
So incredibly lost.
I press on the small handle of my door, opening it and stepping outside. Roman hears the squeaky hinge as the door opens, snapping his head up to look at me. His jaw goes slack, and he straightens up from the limo, adjusting his suit coat as he walks up to me. He looks over my shoulder, and I can sense my mom and dad waiting. Probably with huge smiles on their faces with a camera in hand. I don't look at them, though, only keeping my focus on Roman as he steps up to me.
"Wow," he says, rubbing his jaw with his palm, "I really don't know what to say." He grabs my hand, lifting it over his head as he twirls me around. The tulle of my dress raises in the wind, floating around me before settling once I'm facing him again. "You aresodamn beautiful, Luna." His voice is hoarse with his words.
I smile, my cheeks hurting from the unused muscle. "You don't look so bad yourself." And he doesn't. His hair is a little messy, his brown waves unruly, like he's run his hand through it one too many times. His black tux fits him perfectly, from the trim shoulders down to his narrowed waist. He tops it off with a pair of black shoes. Shiny and glistening against the black pavement.
"Here you go." My mom comes up behind me, giving me the baby pink corsage we picked up earlier today.
I take it from her, smiling gratefully as I loosen the pin. Roman steps up to me, getting right in my space. I can feel his breath on my face as I pin the flower to his coat, barely able to look him in the eye. I can feel him looking at me, his eyes on the crown of my head. He wants me to look at him. I’m afraid with one look, I’ll collapse.
Once I'm finished, I don't step back. I stand there, inhaling his lightly scented cologne, the manly scent combined with his usual outdoorsy smell.
He smells like Roman.
My knees grow weak once I realize I won't be able to smell it for an entire year. Roman notices this, wrapping his hands around my arms to steady me. "Hey, look at me."
My eyes raise, my mascara-covered eyelashes growing wet from tears. I can feel the thickness of my wet lashes brushing my cheeks with each blink.
"We're going to get through tonight, and we're going to have a smile on our faces while we do it. Tomorrow we can be sad, but I'm not going to let you be sad during prom, okay? Not tonight."