I looked directly into Kaylee’s eyes. I knew what I was about to tell her could change everything. She had promised earlier today that nothing would make her leave. But once she heard my dirty little secret, I knew it would trigger her own demons . . . and I wasn’t sure she truly loved me enough to go through that nightmare all over again.
Kaylee reached for my hand and held it. “Don’t stop, Ty. Please, whatever you’re thinking is going to spook me, please don’t hold it back from me.”
I swallowed hard, then blew out a long, deep breath. “Right before my parents finally figured out what was happening with the drug abuse, things got pretty bad. I was popping pills and drinking a lot. I had gotten good at hiding it, but the higher I got on the pills, the more I slipped up. I look back now and wonder if I hadn’t been leaving my folks clues all along to figure it out.”
I thought about that for a moment before I went on. This next confession was going to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I looked at Kaylee and watched her face as I spoke.
“I haven’t ever told anyone about this, but I know I need to tell you. I need you to understand why I pushed you away.”
“Okay.” Her voice was soft but firm. As if she was mentally preparing herself.
“I found myself sitting in my truck one day, a pistol in my hand. I was going to end the pain once and for all. Make the nightmares stop, because no matter how hard I tried, I kept slipping more and more away from myself. To a place where I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything. I almost took my own life that day, Kaylee.”
Tears slipped down her face, and I hated that my confession was causing them. I wanted to ask her what she was thinking. Was she scared? Did this make her want to leave? Would she truly stick by my side, knowing how broken I had been—still was, in a sense?
“I’m sorry if this brings back memories of John.”
She wiped them away and shook her head. “It’s not that, Ty. I mean, of course it makes me think of him, but I hurt for you. Knowing that you’ve carried that burden with you all this time. Does your therapist know?”
I shook my head, and she gasped.
“I, um . . . I never told her. I never told anyone. I was too ashamed that I had even entertained it.”
“What made you not do it?” she asked.
I looked down at her hand in mine and smiled. “I don’t know. It wasn’t like I was afraid to do it, but for one brief moment . . . I saw a flicker of light. A feeling of hope sparked somewhere down in my chest. I got out of the truck, walked into the house, and put the gun back in the safe.
“About five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was my folks. They confronted me about the pills and alcohol. I can’t even begin to tell you the relief I felt that the truth was out, finally. Then the guilt set in. If I had gone through with that, my parents would have been the ones to find me. I hated myself. Still do, thinking of how close I had come to them walking up and seeing me sitting in my truck with a fucking gun in my hand, or worse.”
Kaylee wiped her tears away, then took in a deep breath. “Ty, I think you need to talk to your therapist about it.”
With a nod, I smiled. “It feels fucking good to just say it out loud, if I’m being honest.” She sniffled, and I reached up and wiped her tear-soaked cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, Ty. Not at all.”
“I thought things were going really good for me after that—right before you and Lincoln showed up, that is. Then when you got out of that car, I was almost knocked back flat on my ass. You took my breath away, Kaylee.”
Her cheeks turned a beautiful shade of pink. “I felt the same way, Ty. I hadn’t felt anything for so long, and you sparked something in me as well that day. Even Lincoln noticed. I actually called dibs on you.”
I squeezed her hand, and we both laughed.
“Funny, when I told Brock about the two of you showing up that day, I told him you were off limits.”
She flashed me a huge grin.
“Of course, all I could think about was getting into your pants. Then the more I got to know you, the more something inside of me started to change. I got to the point where I needed to see you every day, and when I did see you, it drove me fucking mad because I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. Like kiss you. Or tell you how beautiful you looked.”