Instead of opening the first page, I flip to a random one. There’s a date over it, and my grip on the book tightens. These dead pages hold so much of my lost life. I shift my gaze lower, reading Sophia’s curly, bouncy writing. I can imagine her making those hearts over the i’s and twirling the flowing r’s.
My darling,
Today it was CLIMATE. That’s the word with which your dad and sister beat me in Scrabble. I’m eagerly waiting for you to come out and join my team so that we can give them a taste of their own medicine.
Let me tell you a secret. Promise to not share it with anyone?
I’ve always envied the bond your sister and dad share. I always feel left out.
But now, I know. It’s because you were coming for me. A part of me, my heart, my soul.
I’ll bring you into this world, but in a way, YOU have given me a new life. You don’t know how much happiness you’ve brought into our lives, especially when everything was just slipping away.
Sleep, my dear child. We’ll meet soon.
Waiting for you,
Mom.
I clutch my chest while my eyes fixate on the last word. I can see Sophia stroking her stomach, taking her baby to a dreamland where everything is well and they both are safe.
Zander wipes a tear that’s leaking from my eye. “All okay?”
I give him a teary smile and curl beside him. “Did Beast ever play Scrabble with you?”
“Scrabble? No. Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
* * *
“You’ve started reading it?” Kristy points to the journal sitting on my office table.
I nod. I now carry it with me everywhere. Even though I’d never admit it out loud, it’s my most precious possession these days.
“How do you feel?” she asks, removing the tea bag from her tea and placing it on the empty dish.
“Confused. Conflicted.” I release a sigh. “When I read the journal, I see my—our—mother. I feel this connection to her. She has written so much about you and Dad. But then I see Sophia, and I can’t shake away the image of her being so—”
“Coldhearted?”
My lips twist. I hate thinking of my mother from the journal as a coldhearted person.
“The woman in these pages is so emotional. She’s waiting for me to come into this world. She loves me so much, even before knowing me.” My throat tightens every time I think about the entries I’ve read. “I love that woman, and I yearn for her. But that’s not Sophia. At least not the one I know.”
“I’m so angry with Mom, Rose.” Kristy grits her teeth, and my ribs squeeze tight, envying her for her capability to be angry.
If only I could be angry instead of sorry and broken.
* * *
On my lunch break, I close my eyes and open the journal, letting it take me to whichever page it likes.
There’s a small treble sign at the top of my page.
My baby girl,
What’s the matter? You are very quiet today.