He shoved a hand through his hair. “You know this marriage is based on what you want it to be. When you’re comfortable we can—”
“You never asked me what I wanted. No one does.” She whirled around on the bench to face him. Dear Lord, he was a tall man, and all she ever wished for was to burrow into his arms and let him fight her demons. “Everyone assumes I am unfit to live my live. That’s why you married me. To pluck me from it. To give me another that you dictate.” Hot anger surged through her veins. The more she talked, the more she believed it. “I am tired of it.”
“Caroline, listen to me. Your mind is playing tricks.” A trace of panic clouded his eyes. “Your cousin Finn suffers from depression. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility you would too. But I didn’t marry you because I thought you incapable or in need of a nursemaid. I married you because I knew your potential was such that it only needed someone to believe and a touch a match to your flame in order to launch you into the life you’ve always dreamed of. Never once have I imposed restrictions upon you or given you orders on what you should do.”
That was true. He had been nothing but kind and patient, had given her the freedom he claimed. “Oh, I…” It was too noisy inside her head that she pressed her hands over her ears for a few seconds. Perhaps she wasn’t like what those insidious thoughts said. “I am like a storm, John, and you came in anyway despite the risk.”
“You aren’t that, and even if you were, I’d brave it. For you.”
She couldn’t listen anymore, didn’t deserve his kindness, for if she let herself, she’d be swept away in his presence, and be quite happy to do so. A different kind of prison or the freedom he’d offered? “But you said you don’t care for the rain, and I feel like a hurricane most times.” With a poorly stifled cry, she ran from the room. “Too different we are.”
Would he ever see her as a complete woman, a woman with a functioning mind who didn’t need to be looked after all the time? Would he see her as his wife, fully capable of all that the position entailed? Oh, some of this confusion was of her own making. How to find her way out?
That she could love him and know what that meant? It had been her fault, her reticence, that kept him from her bed, but now? She needed him that way.
But…
A gasp left her, and each breath hurt to draw. Did she love him? It was so difficult to know what was real and what she’d made up in her head to escape from what life was. As she ran and ran and ran through the manor with no destination, she acknowledged that it had felt cathartic to get angry and start verbalizing that emotion to be rid of it.
Her husband finally tracked her to an unused parlor on the opposite side of the manor. Dust covers lay over most of the furniture, but it was cozy and quiet and felt safe.
“Caroline, may I come in?”
She wasn’t ready to concede defeat and return to her normal routine of not talking or hiding in her room. At this point in her life, she had grown tired of being ignored by the bulk of the people she knew, of being overlooked, or cast aside, of having to make sense of things she didn’t fully understand. In some ways, she was beginning to crave the presence of other people, or at least the ones she felt comfortable with. “I suppose.”
Yet John wasn’t like all the others. Why couldn’t her mind recognize that truth?
When he entered and closed the door behind him, she shivered, for being alone with him made her feel as if magic were about to happen.
“When we married, I thought you knew our pacing was slow so it wouldn’t frighten you.” He approached cautiously, lightly, as if unsure of his reception.
“I did.” Were her emotions as jumbled as her words? Why couldn’t she ever make sense of anything without twisting it? “I want you to take me seriously. I want to explore everything I can in life without people pitying me.”
“Then focus your energy on those of us who don’t.”
That was fair. “And I want you to see me as a woman you’re proud of.” Then because she couldn’t hold back the oncoming tide of emotion, she burst into tears and threw herself into his waiting arms. “I want so much more out of life than I’ve been given, and I want… I want…” She huffed and beat her fists against his chest. “I want feel to happiness like what, the happiness I knew when you gave me the pianoforte.”
His chuckle sent tingles down her spine. “There’s no reason you can’t. Embrace the good, sweeting.”
For long moments, she sobbed out her concerns and fears. “I feel alone. Even with you. I am too messy in my head. My thoughts don’t quiet. I am too much for you.”
“Never.” Though he made soothing noises, he didn’t attempt to stem her ire. “Take out your frustrations on me if you must, love. After the storm abates, I’ll help you pick up the pieces, assemble them into something beautiful.”
She wiped her runny nose on his cravat. When he didn’t berate her or show disgust or lecture, she lost a piece of her heart to him. “Already beautiful am I.”
“Yes, you are.” The dear man removed his collar in order to unknot his cravat and then unwind it from around his neck. “Use it how you will,” he said as he handed it to her. When she did, he grinned, and flutters filled her belly. “I’m beginning to see just how beautiful you are, like a sunset over the sea, as the sky is painted with multiple colors, each greater and more glorious than the previous one.”
The words sank through the cloud of confusion. They brought a new awareness of him to her, one that she gasped at from its depth and strength. Slowly, her tears stopped as she mopped her face with the length of fine linen that carried his scent. “I am a ninny.” John had been her support since Christmastide. He’d truly given her the world and her freedom the day he’d proposed. When no one else would take a chance on her, John had stood in the gap with an outstretched hand, asking nothing of her except her trust.
He’d beat back the storm, fought it for the chance to be with her. Was fighting it now because she was the same. She owed it to them both to do the same.
To fight. To be brave.
“You are not.”
“I am.” She nodded. “Because you saw me, rescued me.” There was awe in her voice that filtered to her ears. “It has always been you, but I refused to believe it. My mind, said it was false.”
“I do my best.” He shrugged, clearly wishing to downplay her statement.