Why did the subject keep surfacing? Is that where he saw his life going with Caroline? Did he want a house full of young ones, perhaps with her brilliant eyes and talents as well as her grin and hair? Then his next thought chilled his blood. Would whatever it was that affected her mind pass to their offspring? Is that why she was so reticent to discuss the future?
To say nothing of the fact that if he did claim the title, Caroline would be Lady Westfield. Was it fair to thrust her into the light of the ton where scrutiny would be upon her whenever they went out into society?
She means too much to me. I can’t do it.
“You are not him, John.” She turned her head and pressed her lips to his chest. “Never will you be the same as him. Your heart is good, not rotten.”
Small comfort, that. The baron’s blood flowed in his veins. “How is that even though I’ve forgiven him long ago for what he did, those times still haunt me? When every time I see that man, the old anger wells up and I want to land him a facer? He has learned nothing.” He fairly spat out the word. “The man is a plague.”
Caroline was silent, but he appreciated her presence.
“Every day that he lives, he’s doing more damage to the title. Hell, he doesn’t care what Mark or I do in our lives. Never will we have his approval.”
“Do actually need it you?” She must have grown upset on his behalf if her words were out of order.
John thought about that. With a sigh, he put his arms around her. “No. I don’t.” And he should always keep that in perspective. “I have friends, a life I adore in Ipswich. I have Brand and his friendship that has meant so much.” He dropped a kiss to her forehead. “Now I have you.” Some of the stuck anger eased beneath his breastbone. “If we want beautiful things around us, we must actively keep the horrid ones at bay.”
“You are beautiful to me. Your soul shines out to mine.” She entwined her hands about his neck. “When you make that decision, I will support you because I am your wife.” Though the words were slow and deliberate, the meaning behind them was unmistakable.
“Aw, Caroline, whatever did I do right in my life to deserve you?” With unmistakable tears in his eyes, John urged her onto her back and then claimed her lips in a series of tender kisses. Every day that went by brought him a new understanding—a new appreciation—for this mysterious, troubled woman he’d taken to wife. The drama that was his family didn’t seem as frightening when she was there, for in her he had the belief that everything would come out right in the end.
Eventually, she planted a palm on his chest and shoved at him until he’d levered off her. “Your presence consumes me.” Her words were breathless. “I am drowning in you.”
“Is that a good thing?” Hot damn, but if he couldn’t couple with her soon, he’d go out of his mind with need. Did men die of unattended erections?
“Yes.” When he dipped his head to kiss her again, she held him off. “I’m frightened of what comes now.”
The admission was as effective as being struck in the face with a bucket of icy water, but he lost a piece of his heart to her in that moment. “There is no need to be. I’ll go gentle, slow, give you time to acclimate.”
She shook her head and prodded him fully off her body. “Need more time.”
“I understand.” Oh, he understood, but damn it was growing more difficult to let her come to him, trust him enough, and the responsibility of that staggered him, humbled him.
A sound suspiciously like a stifled sob issued from her. How much had it cost for her to deny a coupling? For that matter, what the devil were her thoughts telling her? Did her mind hold that much sway on her actions? “Stay here tonight, with me?”
“Of course.” It was more than he’d had thus far, and he wasn’t a complete nodcock to throw that away. “Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?” It would strain his already tenuous clamp on control, but what wouldn’t he do for Caroline?
“Yes.” The bedclothes rustled as she turned onto her side, presenting him with her back.
“Just remember, sweeting, you have nothing to fear from me. I will always be here protecting you, keeping out the demons.” He resituated himself so that he spooned her, holding her safe in his arms while his shaft strained to the point of pain. “I’ll wait for as long as you need.”
Because, after all, he was becoming rather fond of his wife, and there was a lifetime ahead to continue that fall.