Chapter Eight
September 12, 1818
Hadleigh Hall
Derbyshire, England
It was the first full day at Hadleigh Hall, and Caroline was just beginning to realize that marrying John had meant forever. He was her husband, and he would always be with her.
During conversations while in the traveling coach, she’d come to know him a bit better, but he kept secrets deep down where no one could access—the same as she did. Was he fearful that if he shared, she would think less of him? It was certainly something that she thought about. According to her family, wasn’t her mind fractured? Wasn’t she touched by insanity and therefore unable to live her own life?
Yet John had married her anyway. He believed in her. That alone set him apart from everyone else.
As much as she detested having a maid, she submitted to the young woman’s assistance, for the stays were beyond her comprehension. In the asylum, she didn’t need to worry about such things. She’d rarely had visitors, and most of the patients within didn’t have servants with them. Clothing had been manipulated by herself, but once she’d come into Cousin Andrew’s household, she’d been given a maid. And more complicated clothing.
“How would you like your hair dressed this morning, Mrs. Butler?”
Tingles fell down her spine at the title. While traveling, John had taken care of most of the conversation with various innkeepers or the coach driver. This was one of the first times she’d heard her new state of address. “Matter, does it?” Even while talking with a young maid, she couldn’t manage to put words into the correct order.
However, in John’s company, she needn’t worry about that. He either did most of the talking, or when she’d wished to share, if her words were jumbled, he never made her feel like a dunce. There was never judgment with him. It relieved her much.
“I would imagine you’d like to appear as lovely as you can for your new husband.” The maid brushed out the long length of Caroline’s hair. “You have such nice curls. Perhaps we’ll leave it down with a ribbon to hold it back. Besides, the day will prove nice, and this softens your face.”
Caroline frowned into the mirror at her vanity table. Though she was a married woman now, she’d chosen to sleep in the room she used to occupy in her childhood when the Storme family had gathered at Hadleigh Hall. None of the furniture had been updated, and that brought a small measure of comfort. At least that hadn’t changed. “Why does my face need to be softened?” Concentrating on the words brought them out in the correct order, but the effort made her tired.
The maid—her name escaped Caroline—huffed. “Well, you have striking features, and you frown all the time.” She slipped a yellow ribbon beneath the hair in question and then made a pretty bow that rested just over her left ear. “Don’t you wish to entice your husband into your bed?”
Warmth invaded her cheeks. Though she and John had been married for four days now, he slept in a room different from hers, and aside from that kiss he’d given her in the coach, he hadn’t initiated any other overtures of a carnal nature.
Because he had told her that the union would be whatever she wished it to be, and frankly, that sort of thing made her confused whenever she thought about it.
She didn’t know what she wanted from her marriage just yet.
“I… I don’t know.” That kiss had left her both panicked, worried, and a tad excited. When he’d touched his lips to hers, cupped her cheek and head, it had made her feel both alive and chaotic, as if her brain and her body didn’t know what to make of this new part of life. Those feelings were overwhelming, and they swamped her as she stared at her reflection in the looking glass. Yes, that was a good word, but in a nice way. Would that make sense if she spoke it aloud?
I can’t focus on that.
John was big and intense, and his presence filled the spaces when they were alone together. Caroline couldn’t help but pay attention to him, yet when he was near, he brought both calm and a certain anticipatory excitement she didn’t understand. Yes, it was that, but there was also nervous curiosity. She was broken, wasn’t she? How could he want her for a lifetime or for a real marriage? Oh, she’d seen those questions in the depths of his eyes when he thought she wasn’t looking, and each time they sent more of a jumbled quagmire into her chest.
Which left her reeling. What exactly did she want her marriage to be like? And she certainly didn’t want to disappoint him.
“You’re an odd one, Mrs. Butler,” the maid said, scattering Caroline’s thoughts. “That man of yours is handsome in a plain sort of way. I imagine he knows his way around the bedroom.”
“I should hope so, since he has been sleeping in one all his life.” Her husband wasn’t an animal, after all. And he wasn’t plain either. When the sunlight hit his hair just right, illuminated the planes of his face and shaded others with shadow, he was breathtaking. To say nothing of how the sound of his voice was pleasing to her ears and made her feel tingly inside. Shivery almost.
The maid eyed her as if she were insane. Finally, she shook her head. “You’re good enough for the day. The yellow suits you, though Lord knows you’ll ruin this dress with spatters of paint and grass stains. Ring when you’re ready to dress for dinner.”
“Thank you.”
This was why she didn’t enjoy talking to others. Not many people understood her. Grass stains meant she’d sat in the meadow and watched the day go by, communed with whatever animals happened her way, in the fresh air. Paint spatters said she’d committed something beautiful to her canvas to look upon years into the future and remember what had captured her eye and attention. And wasn’t clothing a pedestrian concern? She wouldn’t hassle with it if it weren’t the height of scandal to go about clad in a nightdress all day long.
Putting the maid and her words from her mind, Caroline gathered her painting and drawing supplies, for she intended to spend the morning in the sunshine near one of the duck ponds she used to adore as a child… before everything changed, and she was taught to consider herself as less than.
Or broken.
Two hours later, John joined her like a ray of sun in the midst of clouds. “I missed you at breakfast.”
Drat.That was something else she’d forgotten. So many rules! Why did she need to remember any of them? Hadn’t John said she could do whatever she wanted with this marriage, that she was free? A niggle of doubt sank through her consciousness. Shoving it away as best she could, Caroline glanced up at him. He carried a basket in one hand and a raggedy blanket in the other. “I forgot about eating.”