“Depression never goes away. I’m slowly learning how to keep it at bay.” Thanks to Jane’s influence. “But on the days when that doesn’t work, I suffer through and hope for the best. Having the cat around during those times also helps keep me grounded.”
“I see.” The doctor flicked his gaze to Finn’s face, searching for God only knew what. “If it grows worse, I’ll need to know.”
“Understood. I’ve taken up fiction writing to help counter or even funnel those feelings. It’s a new hobby yet, but I’m cautiously optimistic.”
“That’s good. It also exercises the brain.” He tapped his chin with a forefinger. “Now then, to change the subject, you’re a relatively young man. Have you considered finding a woman and settling down?”
Finn narrowed his eyes. “That goes beyond professional curiosity, don’t you think, Doctor?”
“I merely meant that you shouldn’t let your injury hold you back from enjoying a full life.” He smiled, but the gesture was tight. “Have you become interested in a lady? That could change your mindset.”
How the devil did he know what his mindset was? “Actually, I have. We’ve spent some time together.”
“That’s encouraging.”
For long moments, silence brewed between them. Finn glanced at the terrace. Wellington had stretched out a long arm so that the tip of her paw was in the rain. Anxiety circled through his chest, and he held out hope that the answer to his next question was favorable.
“Since there is a female in my life, my thoughts have turned to the future.”
The doctor nodded. “Also understandable.”
Finn cleared his throat. “Will I be able to have carnal relations should things advance that far?” And if everything between him and Jane continued as it was, there was the strong possibility they’d soon hit that milestone.
The doctor’s red eyebrows soared into his hairline. “You have advanced that far?”
“There’s always the hope.”
“I see.” A certain frostiness had entered the other man’s eyes. “Do you plan to romance a woman or merely seduce her?”
Was romance—courtship even—what he intended, or did he merely want to discover if he could experience desire? To feel like a man again?
“I’m not sure, but I do want to know if sexually pleasing a woman is possible in my condition.”
The doctor flipped through a few papers in the leather folio until he came to a drawing of the spine. “That’s difficult to say. It depends on many factors.” He tapped a forefinger on the drawing and held it up so Finn could see it. “Your injury is between the tenth and eleventh thoracic vertebrae, and a complete injury at that. Do you experience a psychogenic erection? This means your shaft hardens by mental stimulation like thoughts or seeing something arousing.”
“Unfortunately, no.” Try as he might, thinking about Jane or her tempting charms produced no reaction below his waist.
“That’s consistent with your injury location. What about a reflexogenic erection? These types come about by being stroked, caressed or teased with fabrics, or by self-fulfillment.”
“Yes, sometimes, though I haven’t taken myself in hand in a long while due to frustration.” Heat infused his cheeks from embarrassment. Had he failed even in this?
“Why is that?”
Finn shrugged as if it didn’t matter. “The erection or reaction doesn’t last long. Perhaps a minute if I’m fortunate, but usually less than that.”
Never had he cared to inquire about such intimacy before because there wasn’t a reason. Now there was. Damn but he wanted Jane, wanted to claim her, show he wasn’t merely a good friend, but an excellent lover too.
“Ah.” The doctor scribbled another few lines of notes on the diagram. “Unfortunately, the action of intercourse as you once knew it might not be possible. If you cannot maintain an erection for longer, there’s not time to have your shaft penetrate a woman, let alone maintain shape for thrusting.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.” His hopeful spirits plummeted and left behind an aching empty void in his chest. Once he told Jane this, would she make her excuses and leave?
“This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let yourself become intimate in other ways. Sometimes simply remembering what those sensations felt like or watching a woman fondle you is its own reward.”
Finn snorted. “So says a man with equipage that works.” It was a bitter pill to swallow.
A ghost of a smile touched the doctor’s lips, and again, a hint of recognition toyed with Finn’s mind. “Should you wish to begin a physical relationship, be certain to talk about it with your lady. Also, void your bladder before the event, and don’t be embarrassed if your first time out or so doesn’t go well. Remember, these things aren’t always about the physical to find fulfillment.”
The longer Finn stared at his doctor, the more the pieces clicked into place. “Oh, good God. What a bloody idiot I’ve been.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “You’re Doctor Marsden and have red hair.”