“I am well, but I can make you no promises. Depression is a formidable opponent.”
Here was the chance to tell his brother how he felt, that he cared about him, that he was sorry, but the words only sat on the tip of his tongue without mutating into speech.
Speculation lit Finn’s eyes. “My turn to ask questions. Why the devil did you marry so quickly, and to a woman you didn’t know?”
Why indeed? “To fulfil my duty to the title.”
“Ah.” His brother frowned. “Will you tell me about her? She must have an incredibly strong will if she married you, and…” He held up a forefinger when Drew’s chest swelled with anger, straining the buttons on his waistcoat. “And you’re standing here, not berating me for a shortcoming, but asking me how you might overcome yours.”
“Such gammon. And no, I will not.” Talking about Sarah to another man smacked of gossip, but heat rose up the back of his neck and his chest ached in a different way than usual.
“Still the arse,” Finn said with a shake of his head.
“You would know.” He needed to leave before his brother struck upon the truth. “I won’t take more of your time, but mind you remain in bed to rest. I don’t want any more frantic letters from Mother.”
“Oh, I intend to stay in bed, at least for some of the time.” Remarkably, a flush covered Finn’s face.
Not understanding what the statement or the reaction meant, Drew left and moments later returned to the morning room. When he glanced at his mother who sat in her customary chair, his shoulders slumped. He’d hoped he would have been alone to finish his meal and mull over what Finn had said.
“Good morning, Mother.” He took the chair he’d vacated. His plate was gone, but Peters brought him another, filled with all the same foods as he’d had before.
“Hello, Andrew.” She glanced at him with bright eyes. “I overheard part of your conversation with Phineas. I’m glad you were civil.”
“Of course I was,” he snapped, and then sighed. “I apologize.”
When his mother’s eyebrows soared, he took refuge in the fresh cup of tea the butler poured for him. “How is wedded life?” She added cream and a tiny lump of sugar to her tea.
There was no blessed way to answer that question without giving away the huge rifts between him and Sarah. “As well as can be expected.”
“Hmm.” As his mother stirred her tea with a delicate spoon, she rested her gaze on him. “I won’t deny that your news came as a shock to me. Not to mention I was hurt I hadn’t been invited or even consulted.”
“Please, Mother, I refuse to sit through a lecture. What’s done is done.”
“Agreed. Such things never broke through to you.”
Drew poked at the food on his plate with the tines of his fork. “Marrying Sarah was the right choice for me at the time.” Was it still? An image of her appeared in his mind’s eye: her smile when she’d been pleased with him, the amusement dancing in her brown eyes, the damned spectacles that always slipped down, the soft sounds of pleasure she’d made when they were intimate in the drawing room, the way he bossed him into seeing life in a different way.
“Oh, I don’t doubt it. Regardless of your impetuous nature and your horrid temper, your head for responsibility is sound.”
He barely heard her, so deep had he slipped into his thoughts. God, it seemed like an eternity since he’d seen Sarah, and what was more, he… missed her. As unobtrusively as he could, he rubbed a hand over his heart. The organ ached as if it had been ripped away from a vital part of itself.
Was it possible? Could he have only seen it with distance?
“When your father and I first married, there was a long period of adjustment.” She spread a thin layer of marmalade on a triangle of toast. “He was much like you: dutiful but stubborn, and I was a bit headstrong. We fought in those days, but it only made the times we came together that much sweeter.”
“For pity’s sake, Mother, please don’t tell me about your intimate life with Father.” Drew hastily gulped his tea, which hadn’t had a chance to cool. Tears stung his eyes as the liquid burned his throat.
“I simply meant that two personalities can oftentimes clash, but eventually they learn how to work together and make something truly amazing.” She pressed her lips together when a smile formed. “Sarah must have made quite the impression on you.”
“She has indeed.” What was she doing right now? When he’d left, she had tears in her eyes. Had she recovered from the hurt, or his defection? Unease circled through his gut. Worse, had his inability to conquer his emotions sounded the death knell of his short marriage? To distract himself from his thoughts, he told his mother a brief history of his wife, but he left out anything having to do with the difficulties they’d encountered since wedding.
“Why didn’t you bring her with you? I would have enjoyed meeting her.”
“Because I’m a prick.” And he hadn’t been able to see past his own damn nose, past his own bloody offended feelings—from everyone. He might have hurt his family at any given time with his temper and arrogance, but they’d always forgiven him. What if Sarah didn’t? The ache in his heart intensified.
I don’t want to lose her.
This time his mother couldn’t quell her smile. She tapped a fingernail against an ivory envelope next to her plate he noticed for the first time. Drew’s name was scrawled on the top in his father’s heavy hand. “I won’t ask any more questions, for it’s obvious you’re confused enough already. However, your father left this letter for you, intended to give it to you on your wedding day. Since he’s not here and since I missed it, I’m giving it to you now.” She slid the envelope toward him.