She whimpered but slid a hand to his nape and encouraged him to continue. “I had no idea…”
It didn’t matter that she didn’t finish the thought, for he was nearly gone. There was no strength to master control over the desire circling through him. “Damn, but this will go quickly, Sarah.” As best he could, he modulated his voice, so he didn’t sound like the beast he felt. “It’s been too long.” And he was out of practice, besides.
“Give me time to acclimate. These sensations are too big,” she whispered as she delved her hands beneath his shirt. “Let me play, arouse you as you’re doing to me. Teach me—”
“No.” For that would only leave a deeper impression and greater regret on both their parts. “You don’t understand…” It was Drew’s turn not to finish a sentence. As she looked at him with trust and stark need in her expression, he’d give anything to be someone other than who he was. He cupped her cheek, drew her closer and kissed her again and again, drinking his fill of this woman who’d voluntarily braved his wrath and would have to weather his ire. As he did, he pulled her naked body flush to his. In his haste, he hadn’t even taken his own clothing off.
Another reason she’d have to berate him. Then he was lost to the glory that was Sarah, her lips that tried to welcome him home despite his reluctance to go back, her wandering fingers that sent shuddering awareness into his blood. He roved his hands along her back, couldn’t have enough of her warmth, and when he encountered her buttocks, he cupped them, his fingers glancing between her thighs to brush at the blonde curls.
A surprised moan escaped her throat. The innocent sound drove him onward as he strove to beat back the demons inside. She was the answer to his nightmare, but she was also another way his life would unravel. Over and over he kissed her in the hopes that he could forget all that he was if he buried himself in her honeyed heat. As he gripped her hips so hard, he feared he’d leave bruises, and that only added to the surging anger.
Of course he would hurt her. That’s all he was capable of doing. You’re going to ruin this woman, use her as kindling for your ill-temper, and then what? The damned anxiety mocked him, threw the question around in his head until it bounced like soap bubbles. Take her by force like a savage?
“Sarah…” Why couldn’t he say it? Why couldn’t he ask for her help? Something deep down in his soul called out to her, but the words wouldn’t leave his tongue.
“Yes?” She put her palms on either side of his face and looked into his eyes.
Suddenly terrified of what she’d find, he growled and then half-carried, half-walked her toward the bed. When it connected with her backside and prevented further movement, he kissed her again. She couldn’t know how far gone he was, how close to falling apart he was, not now. Fear cooled his blood. Would he lose her following this night or would she grant him one last chance?
“Please forgive me,” he managed to whisper through a tight throat.
“For what?”
With shaking hands, he fumbled at his frontfalls. Barely did he give her time to glance at his hardened length before he spun her about so that she faced the bed. “I…” Hell with it. He couldn’t talk, concentrate on bedding her, and keep his anger in check at the same time.
She’s your wife now, so put a babe in her belly and be done with her. Then you can hide away and sulk.
In the end, rage and anxiety won. It always did. He’d never had a chance. With a knee between her thighs, he widened her stance. “Bear down. The first time will hurt.” God, she’d hate him, and he didn’t blame her. At least this way he wouldn’t see the disgust and loathing that would be in her expressive eyes.
“Andrew?” She glanced backward. “Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help, talk to you.”
“It’s too late.” He swallowed. “Do you want me, Sarah?” He was many things, but he wouldn’t rape his own wife. “Do you want me to couple with you?”
“Yes, I do, but this isn’t the way I thought we’d do it.”
“It’ll be over soon.” He fit the head of his shaft to her opening and with a flex of his hips, he penetrated her as deep as he could go, tearing through the slight resistance of her maidenhood and burying himself to the hilt.
A cry of pain issued from her, but he was too far gone to care about going slow. With every stroke, he held onto her hips and despised himself. She clutched the bedding in her fists as her body trembled in his hands. Her innocence and inexperience left her vulnerable, but she wriggled her backside against him, which only inflamed his unchecked desire. Faster and faster he moved, pounding in and out. His breathing, already compromised by the enormous strain he carried, labored even more, his lungs aching, and just as he’d said, need tingled through his stones. A tiny moan escaped her, followed by a sob. Those little noises broke him. The force of his release raced through his length and as he pulsed out his seed, he ground himself against her.
God, I’m a prick and a black hearted tyrant.
And he’d failed at bedding his wife the first time out.
Several silent moments went by as he lay collapsed against her back, and when he moved away, the quiet was punctuated by the sound of her crying. “Sarah? Are you all right?” When he went to touch her shoulder, she heaved upright and turned on him so fast, he gaped.
“You bastard.” Tears fell unchecked. She lifted a hand and slapped him so hard, he was certain he wouldn’t soon forget it. Angry red color mottled her chest and cheeks. Humiliation clouded her eyes behind her smudged spectacles. “How dare you.” Emotion graveled her voice. “You treated me little better than you would a whore, and you have the gall to ask after my health?” She darted around him, casting about the floor for her robe. When she snagged it, she shoved her arms through the sleeves. “Have you nothing to say for yourself?”
Drew’s lower jaw worked. He tried to make his lips form words, but nothing would come, for he couldn’t deny her claims.
“Bloody arrogant prig. No woman should have to suffer through what I just did. Especially not on her wedding night.” Sarah swept to the door and then looked over her shoulder at him. “Until you can figure out why this entire night was wrong, until you can apologize to me with some semblance of intelligence, until you’re ready to become a better man, I want nothing to do with you.” She opened the door. Seconds later it slammed behind her. The answering crash of her door put the final nail into the proverbial coffin of his married life.
Not even wed twenty-four hours and he’d already torn it apart.
He sank to his knees with his head in his hands. I can’t go on like this, but who will save me now that I’ve turned Sarah against me?