No, they’d definitely talked about kids because she remembered Josh saying that he wasn’t going to be a dad. He’d never given his reasons for not being a father, but she guessed she just assumed that his were the same as hers. Now that she thought about it, she might have been so happy to hear that he didn’t want kids, that she never told him how she felt about the topic.
So, she did now. “I don’t want kids.”
“What? Why not?” he repeated, still looking at her in disbelief.
Audrey lifted her shoulder in a shrug, suddenly feeling judged. So many people assumed that every person who had ovaries wanted to reproduce. She tried to avoid the topic as much as possible, because people either dismissed her stance telling her that when “she met the right man she’d change her mind.” Or she’d even had people go as far as to accuse her of being selfish for her choice.
“I just…never have. Not even when I was little. You know how the girls were playing with their baby dolls tonight? They were feeding them, changing their diapers, and treating them just like Braydon.”
He nodded.
“Well, I inherited all my sisters’ baby dolls and Viv says I never had any interest in playing with them like they were my babies. I used to read to them. I would pretend they were patients and I was a doctor. Sometimes they were clients at my beauty salon, or customers at my grocery store. But mostly, I just used markers and painted their faces like dogs and cats and pretended they were animals.”
Josh was staring at Audrey like she was speaking a foreign language. “So, you don’t want a family?”
“I mean, yes, I do want a family. I want to get married and adopt all the rescue animals in the world. I want to be an amazing aunt and sister, and wife, and friend. Family doesn’t just mean having kids, Josh.”
“No…” He shook his head. “I know that… I just meant…I don’t know, you’re just so caring and nurturing and you started that program with preschoolers and kindergartners going to the senior center, and you read to kids at the library, and don’t you work in the nursery at church?”
She nodded but wondered how he would know that she volunteered at the nursery at church. She’d never seen him there. But then again, this was Hope Falls.
“And tonight with the kids…” He motioned his arm toward the bedroom where all the kids were asleep, and she could see just how confused he was.
“I love kids. I do. But I also love my alone time. I love quiet. I love sleep. I love being able to make my own schedule. I love volunteering. And I just, honestly, I’ve never even considered becoming a parent. I have seriously considered becoming a nun, but never a mom.”
He stared at her, and she felt like she had to defend herself. She never expected him, of all people, to be judgmental of her decision. Josh was the least judgmental person Audrey had ever met. He just accepted people, flaws and all. He’d told her that growing up, he’d felt like an outsider in town, because of his mom’s mental health issues and his father’s alcoholism. So she’d always attributed his open-mindedness to him not wanting other people to feel different.
But now, it was hard not to feel like he was looking at her differently than he had.
“What about you?” She turned the tables. “You’re great with kids. I mean, they love you! Why don’t you want to be a dad?”
His expression hardened. “I knew it was never in the cards for me.”
“Why?” She crossed her arms in a defensive stance. “Because you don’t do relationships?”
She’d never had a conversation with Josh that was this confrontational. She’d truly only had one confrontational conversation in her entire life. It had been with her sister Grace when she was going to let the love of her life walk away because she didn’t think she was good enough for him. That conversation had to happen, and so did this one.
His shoulders dropped. “I got in a dirt bike accident when I was fifteen and there was…damage done.” Josh lifted his arms and ran his fingers through his hair. As sexy as it was to see the inner side of his biceps when he did, she knew she was only getting the gun show because he was frustrated, and she felt bad that she had pushed him.
“Sorry, it’s none of my business—”
“Yes, it is.” He dropped his arms and stared at her. The intensity in his eyes sucked all of the oxygen out of the room. Or at least that’s what it felt like. “Even if the accident hadn’t happened, I don’t think it would be responsible for me to have kids.”
“Because the world is overpopulated?” she guessed. She’d heard people say that before, but she doubted that would be Josh’s reason.
It turned out it wasn’t.
“No.” He grinned and seeing his face soften caused her entire body to relax. She hadn’t even realized how tense she’d been, or that she had crossed her arms. She unfolded them and leaned on the couch that was behind her in a more relaxed position. “Not because the world is overpopulated. Because I wouldn’t wish my genetics on my worst enemy.”
Audrey felt her face scrunch up as she asked, “What are you talking about? You are ridiculously hot!” As soon as the words flew out of her mouth, she felt her cheeks flush.
He glanced down to the ground as a smile spread on his face.She hadn’t meant to blurt that statement out, and she was still embarrassed that she’d done it, but if it made him smile like that, then it was worth it.
“You think so, huh?”
“Yeah.” She nodded.
“Well, I wasn’t talking about those genes, but thanks.”