14
Josh openedthe fridge and started to grab a beer but decided against it so he put it back. His anxiety was at an all-time high and he’d made a promise to himself a long time ago that he’d never use alcohol to escape. He’d seen his father do that. And he assumed that’s what his mother did when she was using, although he hadn’t witnessed it personally because she was absent for so much of his life.
He closed the fridge and ran his hands through his hair. He felt like he was crawling out of his skin. His anxiety hadn’t been this severe in years. Most of the time he was dealing with this level of anxiousness it was due to his PTSD or his night terrors or the pain that he was in. But what he’d been feeling the past two days could not be attributed to his past. His anxiety was because of Audrey’s proposition.
“I want my first time to be with you.”
“I want you to be my first.”
Those statements had been repeating over and over and over and over again in his head.
“I want my first time to be with you.”
“I want you to be my first.”
He still couldn’t believe that she’d come right out and said that to him…and he hadn’t said anything. Well, that wasn’t strictly true. He’d told her that he was attracted to her, but that was about it.
For the past two days, he’d thought about every possible outcome in this situation and none of them were good. What was he supposed to say to her?
I want to be with you more than anything, but I’m too fucked up. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he could physically perform. He hadn’t been able to in over two years.
And his ED wasn’t the only flashing red light to this situation. He couldn’t be anything more than just a friend with benefits because she deserved a hell of a lot better than him. She deserved someone who wasn’t a mental case, who wasn’t in pain all the time, and who could give her a family. So then what options were they left with? Friends with benefits? Maybe if they were just acquaintances, sure. But if they were just acquaintances like Pricilla, Jenny or Sabrina then they would have already had sex.
But they were more than that. They were more than friends. They cared about each other in a deep, meaningful way. There was no way to add no strings sex to that sort of relationship. Especially considering Audrey had never had sex with anyone.
That fact made him want her more and know that he couldn’t have her in equal measures.
This entire situation had gotten out of hand, and he had no clue how to deal with it. The most important thing was that he didn’t lose Audrey. But he was scared if he kept being distant because of his anxiety over not knowing how to handle the situation that is exactly what would happen.
Not knowing what else to do, he grabbed his notebook out of the cabinet next to his dining table and sat down and just wrote the first things that came to his head.
The Dance
Two people
One motion
Circling to rhymes
Connection so strong
Their breaths collide
Heart beats sync
Their bodies glide
Moving together
Suspended in time
He was so lost in his memories of the dance class that the knock on the door startled him. He closed his notebook and stuffed it back into the cabinet. Caleb had mentioned that he might stop by tonight and hang out if he got done with the annual bake off which he was MCing before eight. He still couldn’t believe that was his friend’s life. Hosting the annual Hope Falls Bake Off.
Josh shook his head and Thor’s nails clicked on the floor as he followed Josh to the door. When he opened it, Josh was expecting to see his friend but instead was surprised to see his sister standing there with her three children and a lot of bags.
“Uncle J, Uncle J!” His twin nieces Bethany and Bridgette wearing identical turtlenecks with overalls and scarves hopped up and down with their hands in the air. The only way he could tell them apart was that Bethany’s hair was blonder than Bridgette’s.
“Hey munchkins!” He bent down and they both launched themselves into his arms.