“That it’s too late. He’ll hear what I have to say and reject me anyway because I didn’t believe him.”
Admitting it out loud hurts. Wanting him when he might not want me back hurts. Not trusting myself to get things right hurts. Missing him hurts.
I’ve managed to avoid everyone by practicing at the rink at work. Brady wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t give her any choice. Mattie gave me a sad wave when he saw me in one of our shared lectures, but he didn’t approach me. Sabrina’s under strict instructions to not keep me updated.
“Rejection is scary, but so is living with never knowing what could have happened if you were honest. I think you need to communicate your feelings with him. Any relationship, friendship, or more, will not survive through all this dishonesty.”
“It feels unfair that I have to be the honest one.” I snort, dabbing at my cheeks with a tissue. “I’m not the one telling lies. It’s everyone else. I’m stuck in the middle, looking like a fool.”
Dr. Andrews smiles, smothering a laugh with his hand. “Yes, the irony isn’t lost on me, but nobody thinks you’re a fool, Anastasia. What’s the saying? Be the change you want to see, or something. Lead with honesty. It sounds like you have good people around you, and it’s important to remember people make mistakes.”
“I’m fine with mistakes. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect—”
“Other than yourself.”
I roll my eyes because he’s got me there, but there aren’t enough minutes left in this session to tackle that one. It’s been more than ten years, and it still hasn’t been long enough yet.
“Other than myself, but not with my friends.”
A timer beeps quietly, which is our reminder the session is coming to an end. It’s not until I have a session that I remember how exhausting therapy is. It leaves you with a feelings hangover. I always need to sleep it off, but when I wake up, I feel better.
“We’ve covered a lot, but to recap. What are the things to take away from this conversation?”
It feels like we’ve covered so much, but in reality, I could probably fill another few hours obsessing over this. “I need to set boundaries with my mom and dad so I can enjoy spending time with them, not worrying.”
“Good. What else?”
“I need to put myself first when Aaron is being difficult. I can be a good friend while also prioritizing my well-being.”
“And?”
“I need to speak to Nathan. I need to be honest about how I feel.”
“And finally?”
“People make mistakes.”
Closing over his journal, he gives me a crooked smile. “Top of the class, well done. Your competition is tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah, at lunchtime.”
“I’ve seen you through many competitions, and I know the prospect of losing is not one you or any competitive athlete looks forward to. How do you feel mentally going into this? Are you prepared to potentially not qualify?”
“Yes,” I lie. “Because I’ll have tried my best, and I’d rather compete and lose than not compete.”
“You give that line to me every time, Anastasia, and I must say, you are no more convincing now than you were when you were nine.” He puts his journal and pen on his desk and straightens his tie, chuckling. “I honestly hope you get the outcome you’ve been working so hard for, especially after all of this unhappiness.”
“Me too, Doc.”
TWENTY-TWO | NATHAN
The past fourteendays have been the longest of my life.
For two weeks, I’ve sulked and moped around, desperately jealous of my teammates, pining after a girl who hates me.
In a nutshell, I’ve been a loser for two weeks.
I genuinely nearly cried with happiness when Robbie called to tell me to get my ass ready for practice because Shithead had been cleared to skate.