“Aaron has backed off,” I explain. “I told him I needed to process on my own, especially now I have doubts about what happened. He was annoyed at first, but he seems to have forgotten all about it now he’s been cleared to skate.”
“Do you find he gets annoyed with you often?”
“Uh, Aaron would benefit from therapy is probably the nicest way I can say it.” I fight the urge to nervous laugh because where do I even start. “Aaron’s parents manipulate each other all the time, it’s super unhealthy, and Aaron has grown up being shown it’s how you get what you want. He wants to be better than them, and he does try. A lot of the time, he’s a wonderful friend.”
“But does he get annoyed with you often?”
“I definitely take the brunt of his bad moods, but I spend more time with him than anyone else. Sometimes it feels like everything’s perfect, and suddenly it won’t be, and I won’t know what I did wrong.”
“Sounds difficult.”
“It is. He holds me to a different standard, like, I don’t know how to explain it. Something Sabrina does is fine, but if I do the exact same thing, it might not be fine.”
“You feel like the rules are different for you?”
“Yeah, exactly. When he’s in a good mood, it doesn’t matter, but if things are bad, he’s tough to be around. But I wouldn’t abandon Sabrina if she had issues; I don’t want to abandon him.”
“Very admirable, Anastasia.” He jots something down, and sometimes, I wish I could read his notes. “I would encourage you to remember while everyone has progress to make, it’s important for you to make sure you prioritize your well-being. Friendships are important, but so is living in a healthy environment.”
“Gotcha.”
“I’d like to talk about Nathan next if you’re able to. I’d like to know about his impact on your life.”
I knew it was coming, but I was still unprepared for it. Your therapist isn’t going to forget about you ending a session early because you couldn’t stop crying about a man you’ve only known for two months.
Last week, I gave Dr. Andrews a rundown of the events leading up to my unlikely friendship with Nathan. It was when I started talking about playing house that made me cry.
“I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. I yelled at him really bad, and I think our, well, whatever we have, is over.”
He flicks through the crisp pages and taps on the page. “You were angry because he had admitted he was responsible for Aaron’s accident after promising you he wasn’t.”
“Yes.”
“And he’s made a promise before, which turned out to be a lie. To protect a teammate, right?”
“That’s right.”
“But you think he might be telling the truth, and that’s why it upsets you to talk about him?”
Two weeks ago, after Ryan refused to let Nathan drive home, Bobby and Joe showed up to get him. Nate had passed out by that point after violently throwing up multiple times, and I wished I could pass out. Bobby took one look at my tear-soaked face and tried to convince me Nate didn’t do it, even though he admitted to it. Joe was next to jump in to defend Nate, explaining Coach Faulkner wanted to cancel all their hockey games unless someone confessed.
They both promised Nathan would never do anything to hurt me, which was hard to hear and even harder to stomach.
Dr. Andrews has a finger pressed to his lips, patiently waiting for me to explain. All I want to do is end the call, but I push through. “Nate’s a fixer. He looks out for his friends; I know how proud he feels to be trusted with the title of captain. It makes sense to me that he’d take the fall if his team would suffer.”
“It sounds like a difficult time for you all. What is it specifically that’s upsetting you? Being lied to again?”
I have been asking myself the same thing. Sighing, louder than intended, I try to put it into words. “Kinda. I feel naïve more than anything. Nathan and Aaron can’t both be telling the truth. Aaron hasn’t gained anything; he has no reason to lie.”
“And Nathan?”
“Nathan…”Oh God. Why am I getting upset?“Nathan makes me feel cared for when we’re together. He makes me feel wanted. I don’t think he’d jeopardize my competition, but I don’t trust my judgment because I’ve started to get feelings for him.”
“Have you told him this?”
Shaking my head, I finally admit defeat and reach for the Kleenex. “Like I said, I haven’t heard from him. I’ve thought about calling him so many times, but I’m scared.”
“What’re you scared of?”