“No, Mom,” I say, taking a step back.
“Baby, please,” she says, seizing my arm. “You gotta help your mama out. I know I ain’t always been the best, but I tried, baby, I’m trying so hard. I just need a little more time, and he’s coming by tonight with his boys, and I don’t have the money, so I told him he could have the car until I get it. I’m going out first thing tomorrow, I’m going to go talk to Scarlet. She’s hiring, you know. I saw a sign up at the diner the other day. Not the one out by the truck stop, the one right in town, by the square. Did I ever tell you she went to Faulkner with me? She was a regular slut, let me tell you. Legendary for it, too. She helped found the Slut Club.”
“Mom.” I grip her shoulder, trying to slow her down, because she’s talking a mile a minute, waving her hands around like a crazy person.
“Come on, baby girl, I just need it for one night, maybe a little more, until I get my first paycheck. Bobby Dale just needs to know I can pay him back, and I ain’t got a car right now, but you do, and he’ll know I’m good for a lot if I can let him borrow an Escalade.”
“But you can’t let him,” I say. “I’m not giving him my car. You know perfectly well I’ll never get it back.”
“You will,” she cries, clutching my arm. “I promise, baby. You don’t know him like I do, he’s real honest, I swear it. He’ll give it back. He’s going to hurt me if I don’t deliver what I promised. You’ve got to help me, baby. You don’t want your mama to get hurt, do you?”
I stare at her a long moment, my throat tight. “No, Mom.”
“I knew it,” she says, throwing her arms around me. “Now come on, give me the keys. He’s on his way over now. He’ll be here any minute.”
“No,” I say, stepping away. “I’m not giving you my car. It’s literally all I have.”
“Just tell your man you wrecked it, he’ll get you a new one,” she says, grabbing for me again, clinging desperately to my arm. “The insurance, they’ll pay.”
“No, they won’t, Mom. Unless it’s stolen. And I don’t think Billy Bob Joe will like it if we report a car stolen after we let him borrow it.”
“Yes, let’s do that!” she says, clapping her hands. “Then you can get a new one, and he can keep that one.”
“Mom, that’s a terrible idea,” I point out. “He’s going to get arrested and his ‘boys’ will come murder you.”
“He’s going to do that anyway if I don’t pay,” she says frantically. “I been getting Alice from him for a month. Now hurry up, baby, you gotta get me those keys. Just help me out here, just this one time. I promise, I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, and you got money now, you can just ask that Darling man for some more. They got lots. He helped us out before, he won’t mind helping me out one more time.”
I close my eyes, pressing my lips together. Fucking Preston had to buy me all those clothes, and Royal with the fancy car… Before now, I was invisible to my mother. I filled the cabinets with food, and she pretended she didn’t notice so she didn’t have to ask where I got the money. But buying groceries is one thing.
Having a flashy car makes me a target.
Now I’ve made it. And people who’ve made it attract leeches like my mother.
“I’ll take you somewhere,” I say. “So you won’t be home when he gets here. But that’s all I’m willing to do, Mom. You can’t have my car.”
She stares at me a minute, her tiny pupils fixed on me like she’s trying to drill a hole through my forehead and dig out the location of the keys. Then they go hard, glinting with fury. “You ungrateful little—”
She lifts a hand, but I take a step back, raising my fists. “You really don’t want to hit me, Mom,” I say, moving my hand enough to make her gaze fall on the weapon blanketing my knuckles in its protective embrace. “It will not end well for you.”
“I brought you into this world,” she snaps. “I can take you out. Now give me the fucking keys.”
“You’re going to have to find your own way out of this mess,” I say. “You’ve got about two minutes to get in the car, or your ride’s leaving without you.”
I turn and walk out, unlocking the car as I go. Glancing up and down the street, I hurry to the driver’s side, my heart skipping when I see a pair of headlights turn onto Mill. I scramble into the Escalade and start the engine, my fingers shaking. I have zero interest in being here when Mom’s dealer and his tweaker gang shows up.
I wait for her to run out and climb into the car, but she doesn’t, and I’m not risking going back in for her. I’m way too fucking vulnerable, even with a pair of brass knuckles on my hand. Only the car makes me feel safe, the big steel body of it, the heaviness, the size.
I back out of the drive so no one can block me in, then honk a few times. A light goes on in Blue’s house, and I hope she comes out so I can have someone to talk to, someone who understands. But no one comes out. After a few more minutes, a truck turns onto the street, and I decide it’s time to go. Mom will have to pay the way she usually does.
Like her, though, I have nowhere to go. As I wind through the empty streets of Faulkner, I find myself wishing she’d come along. Yeah, she’s tweaked out on Baron’s designer drug and high as fuck, but once she wasn’t freaked out and asking me for money, she’d probably be good for a laugh at least. After all, she manages to snag lots of guys for a few days or weeks. She’s probably more fun high than she is the next day, and I’ve dealt with that plenty.
Even if she’s annoying, she’s predictable enough that I could handle her. And she’s family, all the family I have. At least I wouldn’t be alone.
I spent so much of my life wanting to survive on my own, pushing everyone away who got close, keeping my distance. Now, it’s the last place I want to be. It makes me feel weak to know how much I’ve come to rely on others, to crave them. But it also makes me feel weak and vulnerable to be alone.
I know I could call Royal, but I’m too raw after that encounter with my mother. I can’t be with him right now, can’t deal with more than I’ve already got in my head right now. So I pull up at a stoplight, and while I’m waiting for it to turn green, I text the other man in my life, the one who carved a safe space for me and guarded it while I hid inside until I had healed enough to step back out into the world. The one who makes my life easier, not harder.
BadApple: Can I come over?