For a minute, I just lie there catching my breath, the sweat on my body feeling suddenly clammy and grimy. I climb off the side of the chair and stumble around, barking my shins on things and running my hand along the wall until I finally find a switch. All the while, I can hear Royal sitting there just breathing in that hiccupping way that makes me wonder if he’s crying. At last, I turn on the light. He’s sitting there with his elbows on his knees and his head hung down between them, not moving.
I’m not sure what to do. I force my feet to move as I make my way across the room and sink down beside him. “Are you okay?”
“You should go,” he says, his voice cold.
I lay a tentative hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want to leave you here.”
His muscles tense under my hand, and I draw away. I know when I’m being told to fuck off. But I also know when someone is hurting so much it hurts me, too, as if he can’t contain it all no matter how big and strong he makes himself. I can feel it seeping through the air between us like the damp in the basement.
“Royal,” I say, knowing I have to try, even if it breaks my heart. “You can let me in, too, you know.”
“I said go.”
“Okay,” I say. “If it’s what you really want, I’ll go.”
I stand and go to the bottom of the stairs, trying to make sense of what just happened between us. I can’t seem to walk away. If I was unsure whether I’m in with them before, now I know for sure that I am. Royal is going to use me up until there’s nothing left to use if I let him. Which means I have to find out something good enough to break him and then get the fuck out while I can.
But right now, being in isn’t about getting even or playing games. It’s about having to bear witness to whatever messy, fragile, fucked up pieces of his tortured soul that remain. So I sit on the bottom step, and I just wait. After a long while, he gets up, and without even looking at me, he walks to the door on the far side of the room, wrenches it open, and disappears, slamming the door behind him. Only then do I go upstairs and go back to class. I may as well not bother. My mind is in a daze and I don’t hear a word anyone says to me all day.