“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “After Halloween, he said we were done. He’s said it before, so I just respected that. But now I think maybe he knew this was coming, and he didn’t want me to get caught up in it.”
“That’s what I meant earlier,” I admit, swallowing a lump in my throat. “When I asked if you knew why they did it. I meant this time. Because I know. They did it because we hung out that day.”
She nods, looking so sad it breaks my heart. “I figured as much.”
She’s a smart girl, so I’m not surprised. I am surprised that she sought me out. I hung out with her guy. And then I got him beaten to within an inch of his life.
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “If I’d known… I mean, I should have. I just didn’t think they’d go that far.”
“Colt’s a big boy,” she says. “Maybe you should have known, but he for sure did know. If he wanted to play with fire again, that’s on him.”
That’s what he said to me when I asked about his hand—that some people liked to play with fire. Maybe once before, he’d fought back in his own way, and they hadn’t liked it.
“Well… Thanks for being cool, I guess,” I say. “Most girls in your position would have it out for me.”
“Maybe I’m not most girls,” she says.
“I know.”
“People underestimate me all the time,” she says. “Like because I’m fat and have a soft voice, I must be this timid little mouse. It used to bother me, but not so much anymore. There are lots of ways of being strong. Crystal taught me that.”
I think of the stiletto-wearing, street-racing, head cheerleader queen bee finding me about to leave school and challenging me to stay.
“I thought I was strong,” I say. “But now I’m not so sure. They’ve really gotten to me.”
She nods solemnly. “That’s what they do. They don’t start with a beatdown like they gave Colt. They start small, and they slowly but systematically destroy you. What they did to Colt, that was the grand finale for him. I thought it was his finger, but I guess they had more in store. This time, I’d bet money they never bother him again.”
“Unless he plays with fire again,” I say with a shudder, remembering the sound of Royal’s fist connecting with Colt’s face, how it didn’t crack like bone anymore. I have to squeeze my hands into fists to keep them from shaking. I was strong when I started here, but they’re breaking me down. They’re making me doubt myself, question whether I was ever strong to begin with. But I know I was. I still am. I’m losing it, though, and that scares me more than anything they’ve done.
Dixie’s right, though. It all adds up and wears me down, exhausting my energy.
The bullying, made worse because they got everyone on board with it.
The blowjob, made worse because it was all for nothing when they broke their promise to give me something in return.
The video, made worse by the fallout and the constant barrage of sexual harassment when I walk down the hall.
And witnessing the horror of what they did to Colt, made worse by the guilt and the threat that they’ll do it again if I dare to talk to another guy.
“You shouldn’t be out here,” I say to Dixie. “The Dolces have it out for me. If they’re going to destroy me, I’m not taking anyone else down with me.”
Dixie gives me a long, calculating look. “I already offered, but I just wanted to tell you again, that I’m here if you need anything. I know I’m a gossipy bitch and some people don’t like the blog, though most of them still read it. But I know things, Harper. I’ve been here the whole time.”
I nod. “Thanks, Dixie.”
She blows out a breath, puffing out her cheeks, and then stands. “You know, they told you to stay away from guys,” she says. “We can still be friends, Harper. You’re going to need them. No one can survive a Dolce targeting alone. Having friends doesn’t make you weak. It makes you stronger.”
It may not make me weak, but it makes me vulnerable, and that might as well be the same thing. But I’m not going to convince her, so I just shrug. “Look what happened when I made a friend.”
“You made friends with their enemy,” she says. “With the only Darling left in this school. The one person that would piss them off the most.”
She’s right, of course. I didn’t do it intentionally, not at first. But I kept going after they told me to stop, when all along, Dixie was right here, offering the same information Colt had. I could have walked away from him, but apparently I have a soft spot for lonely rebel boys, and there he was. Or maybe it’s the tortured souls that pull me in, and that’s why I’m drawn to Royal even as I despise him.
I stand to go in with her. I’m not going to skip classes all day. I’m lucky I’m still here, but I’m sure eventually, even the admin will find out about that video, and they’ll probably kick me out for tarnishing their reputation. Until then, I’m going to get as much out of this opportunity as I can.
“Hey, Dixie,” I say as we start for the main building. “I know it’s a little late to say ‘off the record,’ but can you just keep this conversation off the blog?”