Unless…
I swallow hard, remembering Dixie gushing about Baron being a genius. Is he a computer genius? Is he the one sending me all these messages?
But that doesn’t make sense. Why would he care about some FHS kidbeforehe saw me with Mr. Behr? At the time, that seemed random, just some kids out wreaking havoc. Was it random, though?
MrD: Can’t be that hard to think of something…
BadApple: Nothing special.
MrD: That’s too bad. It’s such an exciting place, isn’t it? Surely something notable happened this week.
BadApple: Not really
BadApple: It’s pretty hard tho. Better go do homework.
MrD: I want to hear about your day.
BadApple: Same old. Hard classes, clueless teachers, stupid social politics.
MrD: Tell me about that.
BadApple: Sorry, really gotta go
MrD: Awww, after all I did for you, I don’t even get a thank you???
BadApple: Thx
MrD: That’s it?
BadApple: Yep
MrD: Surely you can spare a few minutes for the man who put you on the path you wanted so much.
BadApple: Guess that’s what u get when u don’t negotiate before giving someone what they want.
MrD: I’m not worried about it. I’ll get what I want. I always do.
BadApple: Good luck with that
I close the chat box and get back to my work, trying not to think about why some creepy dad won’t leave me alone. Fuck, I hope they didn’t show him the picture of me blowing Behr and give him the idea I like old guys.
But no, that can’t be it—at least not all of it. He started talking to me before they even took the picture. It leaves me feeling so paranoid I go and close the blinds, glancing at the corners like I might find a hidden camera. What if it’s not all a coincidence?
What if he started talking to me, and then his kids showed up and took a picture of me, and then he put me in the same school with them for a reason?
It gives me the shivers, and I can barely do my homework. For once, I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend.
And that’s a dangerous thing to wish for. I learned a long time ago not to wish for what I don’t have, not to rely on anyone but myself. Not the men who came and went from our lives like the turning of a calendar page. Not the teachers who didn’t have the energy or patience or time to coax something real out of every single flunkie they got stuck with, or the neighbors and classmates who couldn’t help even if they wanted. Not even the man who spawned me or the mother who blames me for all the disappointments in her life.
I have me, and that’s all that’s guaranteed, so it’s safer not to count on anyone else. I don’t—and can’t—need anyone else. Sooner or later, they’ll all give up, walk away like men do when they’re done with my mom, like the first guy I ever slept with, who never talked to me again but talked all over school about how easy I was. I learned a valuable lesson that month. I’m the only person who cares enough not to let me down.
So, I’ll have to figure this out on my own, just like I figured that out on my own, like I’ll figure out how to eat tonight and how to get out of town in two years and how to get to school tomorrow.
I’m a smart girl. What do I need friends for?
I am enough.
I am enough.