I watch the coffee gurgle into the pot, the sound mingling with the rush of the shower in the other room. Great. Now she’s showering to get the feel of me off her. Just when we’d started to have some kind of breakthrough, I managed to immediately fuck it up beyond repair.
I rake a hand through my hair before carrying two mugs of coffee back to the bedroom. Then I just sit on the edge of the bed, waiting for her. I don’t want to drink the coffee, to wash away the only taste of her I’ll probably ever get. It wasn’t enough. If I’d known it was the only one, I would have taken more, like the greedy bastard I am. I wouldn’t have started with a tiny lick. I would have driven my tongue so deep into her cunt that she couldn’t call herself a virgin anymore.
She steps out of the bathroom a minute later, her hair wrapped up in a towel on top of her head, a thick robe concealing her entire body. She balks when she sees me, her expression guarded.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
She blinks at me a few times, like she wasn’t expecting that. And why would she? She already thinks I’m an even bigger asshole than I am. “For what?” she asks, narrowing her eyes.
“For doing that even though I knew you didn’t want to.”
“I told you to.”
“It should have been obvious you weren’t into it. I went ahead because I wanted to make you feel good, like you did for me, but if I’d really been paying attention to what you wanted, I’d have known it wasn’t that. I’m sorry.”
She stares a me a minute, and then her shoulders slump. “No, I’m sorry,” she says. “You didn’t know.”
“So… You want to tell me what happened?” I ask, holding out a cup of coffee.
She shakes her head, but to my relief, she steps forward to get the coffee.
“Was it just too much?” I press. “You seemed into when you were going down on me. Or were you hating that, too?”
“No,” she says, slumping onto the edge of the bed a few feet from me. She sips her coffee, staring miserably into the cup. “I just… I’m messed up, King.”
I scoot down next to her and lay a tentative hand on her back. “What is it?” I ask. “I know you hate my family, butwe’rea family now, too. I want you to trust me, Eliza. How am I going to survive in the Life if I can’t even come home and know my wife doesn’t want to kill me?”
“I don’t,” she says quietly. “I just… Don’t like to be touched.”
“Anywhere?” I ask, taking my hand off her back.
“Not if you think it’s going to lead there,” she says.
“Oh.” We sit there in silence for a minute. I don’t know what to say, what to think of that. I knew she was scared of sex, but this is different somehow. How can a girl not like her pussy touched by anyone? I mean, if she hates me, I get her not wantingmeto touch her, but it’s not like I can deny that having my dick sucked feels good. It’s biology. I’ve fucked lots of girls I don’t care about—because it feels good.
“I’m sorry,” she says at last, standing from the bed.
“Wait,” I say, snagging her hand. “I want to talk to you about this.”
“Why?” she asks. “I’m not going to change my mind, King.”
Still, she sinks back onto the bed when I tug at her hand. “You said you’d done it before,” I say. “Is that how you know?”
She swallows, setting her cup in her lap and staring down at it.
“Because… You didn’t want to,” I guess, keeping my grip gentle on her fingers. “Someone forced you.”
She takes a long, shaky breath.
“Who was it?” I ask, my voice so quiet, so calm and still, she’d never guess the murderous rage gripping my heart. If Al wanted to know if I’m capable of murder, I could give him a real clear answer now.
Eliza shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she whispers. “I don’t want you to do anything. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“So you were going to just let me fuck you when you didn’t want to, just like some other asshole?” My hand fists at my side, but I keep the other one relaxed, gently holding Eliza’s, almost scared she’ll pull away. Her hand feels so small, so delicate, in mine. It makes me want to massacre anyone and everyone who ever hurt her.
“Not that,” she says quickly. “I wasn’t lying. I promise. I’m still a virgin.”
I measure my words carefully. “Do you really think I fucking care about that right now?”