“What do you mean?”
I don’t want to know, but my mouth opens and it pops out before I can stop it. Maybe I’ve held onto denial long enough. I was always the girl who could block out anything I didn’t want to hear, who could overlook anything I didn’t want to see, even when it was right in front of my face. I didn’t get to use girls and parties and fighting like my brothers, so I created a forcefield out of my own mind to avoid dealing with life’s painful truths. But now, the part of me I’ve shut off for so long, the curious part that wants to know, to experience, even when it hurts… That part is bursting from its cocoon and demanding that I acknowledge the beauty in every bit of life, even the raw, ugly parts.
“I loved Devlin,” Dolly says. “I bought into all of it. The fantasy, the romance, our parents’ plan to push us together. I mean, you know Devlin. How could I not love that boy? I saw him go through some tough times, and I wanted to love him enough to make him my little boy again. But he wasn’t. I don’t think I really realized that until this year, until I saw what he was doing to y’all. He’s flat-out mean sometimes.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I never meant to swoop in and steal your man. I guess you’re the one who’s a bigger person for being friends with me.”
“Oh, no,” she says. “You didn’t steal him from me, Crystal. We’d been broken up for a year already. I guess I was just so caught up in the game, in the whole school’s game, the town’s game, that I forgot it was a game. It seemed like if I couldn’t get him to love me, then I’d just die. But I don’t think he ever loved me that way. We’ve always been friends, and he’s protective of me, but I don’t think it was ever more than that to him. I mean, I know you don’t want to hear about us hookin’ up, but the first time we did it, I said I loved him, and he just got up and walked out of the room.”
I press the heel of my hand to my forehead. Oh, god, I really don’t want to hear about this. But at least it’s not just me. At least he treats everyone like that. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. I just know I wish she’d stop talking.
“If you loved him, and he didn’t love you that way, then how come you’re the one who broke up with him?” Dixie asks.
Dolly takes a bite of her ice cream. “I gave him an ultimatum, hoping he’d see what he was losing. But that’s a gamble I lost. I just didn’t see how he could feel different than me. We grew up together, playing dress-up, and having pretend weddings in the back yard with our friends.”
I push my ice cream away, suddenly wishing I’d never asked, wishing we hadn’t come here. I don’t want ice cream to be ruined by the memory of this conversation. It churns in my stomach the way her words churn in my head, threatening to make me sick. I don’t want to hear this. It’s like living my nightmare, my worst fears being confirmed.
“What was the ultimatum?” Dixie asks, leaning forward, her eyes bright with excitement at the prospect of such insider gossip.
“He was my best friend, but I wasn’t his,” Dolly says. “He always had his cousins. He had his family, and football, and them. I didn’t want to be just an afterthought. I didn’t want to be a doll he only played with when he felt like it, when he had time. I was more like a dog, like you said, Crystal. There’s really no difference between the two. I’d beg for scraps of attention, and sometimes, he’d throw me a bone. But I didn’t want to be his last priority.”
“You shouldn’t be,” I say. “Youdeserve better, Dolly.”
“I know,” she says. “And I guess even then some part of me knew because I broke up with him. I was hoping he’d chase me down and claim me for his own, wanting me enough to put me before anything. But he didn’t. I was the one who broke down and went running back, saying I made a mistake and making a fool of myself. But he wouldn’t have me back. He’s got too much pride for that.”
She glances at me, and I know he’s told her what I did. They’re still friends, after all.
“I know,” I say, swallowing hard.
“Under all that meanness, Devlin must still have a heart, though,” Dolly says. “Because I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Crystal. And I can promise you this. He never looked at me that way.”
My heart skips at her words, and I don’t want to show how selfishly, ridiculously happy that makes me. But I can’t think about that right now. Because thinking about that makes me think about how he said some things were more important than football. How he risked his family’s wrath to help me find Royal. And then I have to remember that even though he may look at me differently, even though he may have chased me down, though he claimed me in front of the whole school, it’s all meaningless now. I told him I didn’t want him.
And even if he forgave me, and I forgave him for all he did, our families would never allow it. My family would straight up murder him if they knew what we did this afternoon. And I don’t want anything to ruin this night, not even thoughts of my family.
“Well,” I say, picking up my spoon again. “Whatever you felt for each other, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re an awesome person. What kind of dumb bitch would I be if I hated you because of something you did, something that has nothing to do with me and you had every right to do, instead of liking you for being a genuinely badass, amazing friend?”
“I think it’s a genuinely badass, amazing friend who would talk me into shaking my ass like a fool in front of the whole town,” she says, and the momentarily serious mood lifts as we all break into laughter at the audacity of what we did tonight.
“Well, thanks for being my friend,” I say. “I’m sure it’s not that easy for you, either.”
“I tell you what,” she says. “When y’all came along, it was like I’d been living in this room made of mirrors, so I couldn’t see that there was a world beyond it. And y’all busted right through that glass, and I saw the world out there beyond Faulkner city limits. I love this town, and I might come back here some day, but I gotta step out of the house of mirrors for a while and see what’s out there first. So, I applied to UCLA. And I got in! I’m going to California, girls.”
“Oh my god,” Dixie squeals. “Maybe you’ll meet a movie star and fall in love!”
“Maybe you’ll become a movie star,” I say.
“I can start as a backup dancer,” Dolly says with a giggle. “I can look back and say it all started with y’all.”
“I can’t believe it was even real,” Dixie says with a sigh, licking her strawberry cone. “I mean, how can this be me? My parents would kill me for eating ice cream on a normal day. And I don’t even care. Because you know what? I just did something so much worse than eating ice cream!”
“Well, I’m glad I came along to push you out of your comfort zone,” I say with a grin.
“You’ve really made waves at Willow Heights,” Dolly says. “And that’s not something that’s easy to do.”
I remember Lacey’s warning on my very first day of school, that if I wanted to survive, I wouldn’t make waves. Guess I proved her wrong. Here I am, making waves and having ice cream with two of the baddest chicks I’ve ever met. I’m doing more than surviving. I’m having the best fucking time right now.
Sure, things at home suck. My dad is definitely funneling money to the mob, my mother is the niece of a mafia kingpin, and my grandpa probably killed a guy while he was here. King is planning a life of criminality, the twins are probably going to make the mayor want to run us out of town when he finds out they’re double-teaming his daughter, and Royal is fucked up in ways no one is talking about. And me? I’m in love with a boy whose family hates me, a boy I can never have without putting us both in danger—and probably both our families as well.