“Wait, is that why you left and went to France?”
I swallowed.
Was it? On some level? I would’ve stayed if Dax had asked me to. If things were different. I’d wanted this European adventure, but not as much as I’d wanted Dax. Since I couldn’t have him, being apart was easier than having to face that.
“I wanted this experience. But separating from Dax at the time was a benefit of my leaving. It kept some distance between us once we’d decided to end things.”
He was silent for a long time.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Rafe.”
“I don’t know what to think, to be honest. It’s fucked up. It’s not like it hurts me or anything. I just find it…weird.” He paused. “Did you love him, too?”
Too.
I didn’t have to think about my answer. “I did love him, yes. But I never told him.”
“Why not?”
“Because it wouldn’t have mattered. He wouldn’t have considered being with me because, again, he was too afraid to hurt you.” I exhaled. “So was I.”
“Why would it have hurt me, though?”
“Because he sees you as a son. He’s responsible for your well-being. And I’m your sister. If something had gone wrong between him and me, we’d have to remain in each other’s lives. It would’ve made things awkward for everyone.”
“But you’re in each other’s lives anyway. Now you have to see him with someone else when you come back. That’s not awkward? That’s gonna suck for you. When I told you about Morgan, I didn’t know about you and him. I wouldn’t have said anything to upset you if I knew.”
“I know,” I whispered. “It’s okay.” I shook my head. “Anyway, it’s over between him and me, so it doesn’t matter what you tell me.”
“You don’t care about him anymore?”
I tried to downplay it. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter, Rafe. It’s been over two-and-a-half years.”
“How could you love someone just a couple of years ago and not care about them anymore?”
“Rafe…” I sniffled. I’d tried to stop the tears from falling. But I couldn’t.
“You liar. You do still love him.” Rafe exhaled. “Holy shit.”
“He’s moved on, Rafe. We both have.”
“You haven’t,” he shouted.
“I still have feelings for him, yes. But it doesn’t matter.”
“Stop saying it doesn’t matter and using me as an excuse. Don’t forget, I read everything in that journal. You can’t lie to me. I know what happened. I know everything.”
Jesus Christ. How graphic was that journal? I was too damn afraid to ask. But if he said he knew everything, I suppose it was pointless to downplay things any longer.
“I think you should come home,” he said.
A flash of panic hit. “Why?”
“Because things are getting serious between him and Morgan. If he marries her, it’s gonna be too late.”
A wave of nausea overtook me. “If he’s happy, I don’t want to disrupt that.”
Dax had been through so much. He deserved peace. He deserved happiness. He didn’t deserve me coming in and complicating his life just because I was jealous.
“He’s only with her because he thinks he can never have you,” my brother said.
Hope filled me until I realized that wasn’t necessarily true. Rafe didn’t know that. He was making an assumption based on Dax’s feelings from over two years ago, feelings that had likely long expired.
“People can change, Rafe. His feelings for her could be stronger than his feelings for me. You said he didn’t write anything after the day I left. You don’t know how he’s feeling now. He might care about her more than he ever cared about me.”
“Well, he didn’t feel the need to write it all down. So how special can it be?”
I hated that his point made sense to me. My voice was barely audible as I wiped my eyes. “Rafe…”
“Whatever. Ignore me. Ignore all of this if you want. But I had to tell you. Because I can’t tell him I know. I don’t want him to ever know I read it.”
As much as Dax cared for Rafe, my brother was always a little afraid of him. A part of Rafe always felt like Dax had no reason to stick around and care for him. So he never wanted to mess things up. It was something he’d had to work on in therapy—his fear of abandonment. I could understand his worry about upsetting Dax, even if it was unfounded.
“What is it I’m supposed to be doing if I go back, Rafe? Breaking up his relationship? I would never want to cause trouble for him. You’re not telling him you violated his privacy, so he won’t know you know. He’d never consider leaving someone he currently cares about for someone from the past he believes he can’t be with. Think about it, Rafe.”
“Well, if he really cares about her, you coming home shouldn’t matter, right?”
“Exactly. Which is why I should just stay here for now.”