The feeling of those few seconds of free fall, when you're so close to the sharp rocks and raging waves, is indescribable. It's the feeling of complete freedom, full control over your life, the kind of power no one else can give you.
I take a step closer to the edge and hold my breath. No matter how many times I’d jumped, I felt excitement mixed with fear each time. Especially when I was angry, like now.
I take a deep breath.
"Don't even think about it." I hear his voice from behind and startle, unable to believe my own ears.
I take a step back and slowly turn away as if I'm afraid that I might be imagining it.
Alex Meyers is standing on the porch, looking directly at me.
"You promised me you wouldn’t do that," he reminds me, taking a step closer.
"You left me alone with no explanation," I justify myself.
"I know, and I am sorry." He comes a little bit closer, moving slowly as if he’s afraid he might scare me.
"That’s no excuse."
"I know."
"How could you quit? You promised to coach me!" I feel my eyes become wet again.
How many tears is a person able to cry in one day?
"Meredith saw us," he says, looking at me as if it's his fault. "She followed us that day and saw me kissing you at the pool."
My heart skips a beat, and my stomach shrinks with anxiety.
"She started threatening me that if I continued to see you, she'd get me fired. She wants me to pretend that her & I are dating and give a couple of interviews so she'll get famous."
What? That sounds like nonsense. Why does she need that? And why did she lie to me?
"I saw a picture. Meredith showed me." I shake my head as if telling him that I don't believe him, "A picture of a girl. The date said four years ago. Why do you keep it? Do you still love her, Alex? Is that why you can't be with me?"
"I never loved her, Gabi." He comes so close that I could reach out and touch him. "I killed her."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Alex
And here we are. I said it, and there's no way I can take my words back.
Gabi's eyes are wide and filled with fear. That's exactly what I expected from her. And that's why I couldn't confess earlier; I simply wanted to be with her a little bit longer, knowing that she'd probably leave me after I confessed.
"Alison, her name was Alison," I continue, standing still even though I desperately want to touch Gabi. But I know she's afraid of me now, and that's why I won't. "We never dated; we never even kissed. She was my best friend's little sister. She had been in love with me since she was little, and she tried to follow me everywhere I went."
I swallow, feeling my eyes tear up. It's always hard for me to even think about Alison, but talking about her... I never have, even with my mother, who knew the whole truth and offered many times to let me talk about it.
"She was seventeen, and I was twenty-four, so I always treated her like a child. After I won my second gold, I hosted a huge party in the Valley. I invited all of my friends, including my best friend, Rory. He couldn't come because he got sick, but Alison took his invitation and car and drove to my place. When I saw her, I became angry at first; but I couldn't be mad at her for long. Alison was always sweet and kind, asking me if I wanted anything, always trying to please me. I could never hook up with anyone else when she was near, simply because I didn't want to offend her. I knew how she felt. But that day, I decided that I was going to do whatever I wanted to. I wanted a threesome and to kiss half of the girls at that party because I deserved it. I mean, I was an Olympic champion, and at that time, I thought it equated me to God. You can't even imagine how wrong I was." I sigh and run my fingers through my hair when the first tear falls down my cheek.
It becomes harder and harder to breathe, but I can't stop now. I have to continue and explain everything to Gabi.
"When Alison saw me with other girls that night, she started drinking. She was upset and wanted to ease her pain. I didn't care. I thought, I'm not her babysitter; she’s not my responsibility. She came to me and asked if I liked her. I said that I didn't. I knew I had to be clear with her; I was sick of thinking about her feelings all the time. And then I called her a taxi because she obviously couldn't drive; she was drunk. I didn’t want to keep the other girls waiting any longer so I went upstairs."
I wipe my tears away and look at Gabi. She's crying, too, probably realizing what happened later. What a soulless asshole I am...
"They found her car on the cliff," I force myself to continue. "The police said it was intentional, that she did it on purpose."