I saw him driving away. He changed clothes, took a travel bag, and just left, right in the middle of the day. And he didn't say where he was going.
I don't know how long I stood next to the window after that. Maybe an hour or two, maybe more. But tears were running down my cheeks the whole time. I was standing there naked, missing the man I never really had.
And then I went back to bed and lay down until it was dark.
He didn't come back. I fell asleep at sunrise, exhausted from crying and questioning myself about what I possibly could have done wrong.
When I woke up four hours later, it was Saturday morning, and his car still wasn't in the driveway.
I forced myself to get up and drink some water. I couldn't do anything else. I wanted to go to practice, but I couldn't even brush my teeth. I was too tired. My body was experiencing after-training pain, more than usual, even though I wasn't training. I was sore between my legs even though he didn't even enter me.
The best day of my life had turned out to be the worst one. My nineteenth birthday. How could he leave me?
For the rest of the day, I just laid in bed, watching YouTube and Netflix and drinking water because I couldn't force myself to eat.
My parents' housekeeper, Maria, found me sleeping on Monday when I was supposed to be at school. She thought I was sick; she’d never seen me skip school before for no reason. She made an omelet for me. I got up and looked outside the window. Alex's car still wasn't there.
I couldn't eat breakfast but forced myself to go to school, simply to avoid any questions I had no answers for if my parents called and started asking. The academy always notifies parents if their children miss school, even for a day—that's their policy.
I washed my hair and hid the dark circles under my eyes with concealer. I had no time to do my homework, and I didn't care for the first time in my life.
When I walked to the pool on a break, I saw the announcement on the door that training was canceled for today. I knew he wasn't in his office, but I couldn't help myself but check.
"Come in." I hear a familiar woman's voice after I knock, and my heart stops.
I see Meredith sitting at Alex's desk going through some papers when I open the door.
"Ms. Taylor, what are you doing here?" I try to sound at ease, even though I think that sneaking through Alex's papers while he's not in town is rude.
"Haven't you heard? Meyers quit this morning," she says with a smile, obviously enjoying that I didn't know.
It feels like the ground drops out from under my feet.
He couldn't... He promised to come back...
"As it turns out, he quit swimming because his girlfriend died; he said he thought this job would distract him, but it didn't. He probably still loves her. I found her picture in his drawer." She holds up a picture, and I come closer.
It’s of a young blond girl, approximately my age, standing next to Alex and smiling into the camera. They both look so happy.
My eyes start to fill with tears again.
"And now I have to find another coach. As soon as possible," she continues, pretending she's looking through papers even though she's looking at my reaction more than at the desk.
I swallow, feeling sick. Yes, I have to take a seat, but not here. I won't let Meredith enjoy my pain.
"Honey, you're so pale," she says with fake care. "Take a seat, I don't mind. I know he was your coach but, you know, nobody's indispensable; you'll find another one, I'm sure."
I walk out of the office without even saying goodbye to her and go straight to the parking lot, searching for my car. I don't care what my parents say when they find out that I skipped school. I can't handle this pain anymore.
He never cared about me. He still loves his ex-girlfriend. He even keeps her photo in his drawer.
I know the only way to heal myself right now.
The first thing I do when I get home is go to Alex's property without even taking my uniform off. He's not home, and nobody's going to stop me. The people on the beach mind their own business. And even if someone sees me, they won't be able to stop me; I'm too far away.
I find the highest spot with the sharpest rock on the hill, precisely the same place I jumped from the first day Alex and I met.
The first time I jumped was when my parents left me for half a year with a babysitter and went to Japan. I asked them if they'd be able to come home for Christmas, and they said no. I already knew how to jump from the diving board, and that's why I decided to jump from the rock.