I start to shake. I feel it start in my legs then travel up my spine, through my arms and hands, and my teeth start to chatter. I set my untouched drink down since it’s spilling over my hand. Keith catches my eye, but I pretend not to notice.
“So, if that wasn’t you on the tape,” Paul says, squinting like he’s not really sure he wants to know, “who was it?”
I feel Cole’s grip tighten. “They had a guy already drugged. His build was similar to mine. I don’t know who the poor bastard was, but we need to find out to let his family know. They obviously didn’t plan it well, as they didn’t catch my tattoo.” Cole bends his head down, breathing deeply. “It’s an understatement to say that was a pretty bad day.”
“Yeah, it was.” Mark looks over at me. I quickly wipe a tear away, shaking my head at him.
Cole looks down at me, then at everyone in the room. “Look, everyone, thanks. I’ll fill you in more tomorrow, but right now, I need some time with Savannah, and we all need sleep.” He stands and pulls me up with him.
When we reach the bedroom, he takes in the couch that’s made up like a bed against the wall and looks at me.
“Keith,” I whisper, moving to the bathroom and attempting to tuck my feelings away. Once I’m washed and ready for bed, I head back out and see Cole sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me. He holds out his hand, reaching for mine. He pulls me between his legs and looks up into my eyes. My heart squeezes when I think about how I almost ended my life, thinking he was gone forever.
“I know this is really confusing, and it kills me to realize you saw that tape, but I’m here, and I’m fine.”
I swallow hard, needing to be strong. I run my hands through his hair. “You kept your promise,” I say through a tight throat.
His mouth curls up, and his eyes crinkle. “A promise is a promise.” He frowns when he studies my face. “What happened while I was gone?”
I try, I really do, to get the words off my tongue, but I stay silent. Instead, I reach for the hem of his shirt until his hands stop mine.
“Savannah, please.” I shake my head, and he doesn’t push…yet.
I feel him flinch as he raises his arms over his head, and a moment later I see why. My hands fly over my mouth as I gasp. A huge bandage is wrapped around his midsection.
“You’re hurt!”
“I’m all right,” he hisses. “I’m just exhausted.”
“No, you’re not all right.” I carefully stand him up. Undoing his pants, I help him lie back on the bed and crawl up by his head. I lean against the massive headboard as he shifts to rest his head on my legs.
“What was it like?” I ask, wanting to compare what he went through with what I had.
He sighs and closes his eyes. “Frustrating not being able to defend myself physically. It was all mental, but thankfully, I had something to focus on.” His hand slides over my thigh. “I think the hardest part was knowing I was alive, but you all didn’t.”
“Yeah,” is all I can say. The lump in my throat has returned.
I run my fingers through his silky hair methodically until I hear his breathing become even. My mind is running a marathon, but I cannot make sense of any of it yet. I’m still off on the sidelines of it all, too exhausted to even try. I glance at the clock and see it’s two in the morning. Unable to settle yet, I slip Cole gently off my lap, slide off the bed, and head downstairs.
I lean back on the cool bricks after lighting the fireplace in the living room, set a large glass of brandy in front of me, and try to take a sip, but my stomach rejects the liquor. Everything becomes a blur as my eyes fill and tears spill over my cheeks. I rest the tiny teddy on my lap like one would do with a child and cling to the little silver frame, wishing with all my heart I had listened when people told me to calm down. How could I be so blind? So selfish? I killed our baby.
“It’s not your fault.”
My head snaps up, and I find Keith watching me from the kitchen. He comes over and takes a seat next to me. I shift so he has some room.
“Yes, it is.” I sniff, swimming in a sea of emotions. “All of this is my fault, but the fact that I lost—” I shake my head and try to clear the terrible images flickering in front of me. “To top it off, I had a—” I can’t say the word, so I skip over it, “to my head and almost—”
“You had what to your head?” Both Keith and I jump at the sound of Cole’s husky voice. I slowly look over, seeing him standing there in his sweatpants, bare feet, and nothing else. His face looks angry and confused as he takes a few steps toward us. “Someone better tell me what the hell happened while I was gone.”
Keith reaches over and squeezes my shoulder as he stands, nodding at Cole. Cole takes his seat and watches me closely. I take a deep breath through my nose, knowing this is the moment when I have to break his heart, as mine is broken, to tell him what we had and then lost—our child.
“What’s that?” He points at the teddy his father gave me. I hand it to him and watch his eyes roll over the little name stitched into its Army jacket. His gaze flicks up to me, making my lip tremble. I slowly turn the small frame around and show him the ultrasound picture. “Are you…?” He looks at my stomach.
“Was,” I correct him through streaming hot tears. “I was five weeks until the day the video arrived.” His eyes widen then drop slowly, and he shakes his head. He then covers his mouth with one hand.
I want to scream, sob, and run away from all this pain. I can see I’m about to break him, by chipping away a piece of an already battered soul. It’s just not right.So much of me is shattered.
“I’m so sorry, Cole.”